Better Now

I feel much better than I did yesterday afternoon. Good conversations with good people last night. And thank you for the positive thoughts, Cate. I am so lucky to have quality friends.

Today has been going pretty well, despite lots of residents crabbing at each other. I love when I can just let things roll off me and not get fired up. I am fiery, you see. Rising Sagittarius. I have become a bit of a work-place celebrity in the last few days because they think I have ESP. I'm just a good guesser, I think, and can read people. So a couple weeks ago I noted that I thought a certain employee would be leaving the agency; he gave his notice on Wednesday. And I like to talk about people and what they want to do, how to approach new life adventures, etc-- so people are asking me "Where do you see me in 5 years?" and stuff. They are joking, but not really. It's been fun and I'm thinking of starting my own Psychic Friends network. I think I could swing a 976 number and I can have a sultry voice if I want to.

Speaking of sultry voices (not really, but I can't think of a proper segwey for my random train of thought).... I'm still waiting to hear from schools and hoping that my long-lost teachers have written nice things about me and are making me sound impressive on paper. What a funny game it all is. Some schools are rolling admission and others said they will let me know in March/April. So now I wait and see how things go. I haven't even entertained the idea of what I will do if I actually get in. Only one school is actually in Maine. The others are in Boston and Montreal. Aaron said he would be amenable to moving to Canada... And if I get into the Massachusetts schools, I will most-likely do part-time and take a bus or something. I haven't really worked any of the logistics out.

Down.

I really do spent a lot of time thinking about my life, myself, where I'm going, what I'm doing... I'm actually pretty self-centered. I'm just masked in nonprofit work, so people think I must be selfless. But I'm so internal that I spend way too much time in my own head, trying to figure myself out. Today I am out of myself for a while.

Earlier I got out of that for a bit due to bad news about someone I know. A person who is sick and becoming sicker. I'm not going to get into it, because the details don't really matter. What matters is that there's absolutely nothing that I can do about it except to be here for him and his process. I know that that's a lot. It's an honor to be with someone towards the end of their life because that's when they really start reflecting. That's when poignant thoughts come from everyday conversations. It's pretty incredible and awesome... But it's also really sad. At the moment, I don't feel witty or smiley or any of those things. I feel really sad.

And then I wonder why I feel sad. It brings all the thoughts of afterlife, higher power, continuation of energies right to the forefront of my mind. But I'm actually pretty okay with all that stuff. I'm okay with my own thoughts and also with not knowing. What makes me sad is really that I won't be able to have a conversation with him like I do now. That there will be things that he won't be able to do. And what if, once I'm gone and others who know him are gone... What if he's forgotten?

The Coolest Thing Ever

Is that I found a 48 oz. Mason jar that I am now drinking out of. I don't mean that I found it on the street corner or something. It was a tomato sauce jar and now it is my favorite glass. One of my idiosyncrasies: I fear plastic cups. I used to love them and bask in their color and opaque beauty, but have since learned the tragically toxic aspects of plastic, and have moved on to glass. So yay, I drink 1 1/4 of these bad boys and I've got my water for the day. If only I could get a carabeener to attach like the days of my Nalgene....

Nope.

Nope, I sure didn't go to the gym last night. But I drank the water and I read and wrote and didn't eat any nasty things that I wanted to. I had a beer, but it was Miller LIGHT and that should count for something.

Nope, I decided to stay home with my husband and talk about life and cuddle in our small but warm house. Sometimes that's better than having rock hard abs. Let's face it-- I'm never going to have rock hard anything.

I am back at work, doing the 2pm to 10pm shift (which is decidedly not my favorite), and thinking about more goals for the rest of the day:

1. Drink 32 oz. water.
2. Do strength routine (might have to draw the shades for that one!).
3. Write email to someone I have neglected. (I actually called Betti this morning, so that might just count).
4. Try not to get restless with Residents looking over my shoulder as I make dinner for them.
5. Figure out how to cross things off of lists with blogger's editing tools.
6. Work on Aar's book.

I decided to make Aaron a book for his birthday, which is coming up soon. I like making books and doing crafty things. You know how there are things about yourself that you are embarassed to admit? I have several. One of them is the fact that I love scrapbooking. Yup, laugh it up people. This book for Aar is definitely going to be cheesy, but he's cheesy and I know he's going to like it.

Back to the Gym?

Well, I did well with my goals last Thursday and then came down with a horrible-flu-like thing and took a few days off from work. That was really good and helped me with re-centering.

I am really practicing being present in every moment. At work, at home, with my son, with my hubby. It's been working out for me.

And I realized that I was really doing that on my half marathon a few weeks ago; that's what made it work. I didn't have the physical pain because I was so concentrated on my every step. Just one foot, then the other. It was exhausting at first, training myself to do it, and then I realized I'd stopped thinking about it. It was just happening. I want to apply that to every aspect of my life.

It's worked so far with Resident #3, who often pushes my buttons a bit. I'm trying to really see life the way it is.

Speaking of that, I'm still thinking about Grad Schools and wondering if I will get in. I bit the bullet and just did what I felt was right in my gut-- I applied to Religious Studies programs. I said screw the practical. The fact is, I'll make more money with a masters (in anything), and if I'm pursuing what I love and what I'm drawn to-- then things will come as they will. And I'll enjoy the process.

So my title to this blog was "back to the gym" and I haven't even hit on that yet. I think I'm going to go back to the gym today. It will be my first time back since the race on the 9th. It's time.

Goals seem like a good idea

My blogging friend, C, has been posting her goals everyday. She's very efficient. I'd like to be more like that. I happen to love lists and checking items off the list, and I feel as though goals will give me "purpose" to the day. After last night's entry, look at what my Daily Inspiration was for today:

Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become actions. Watch your actions, they become habits. Watch your habits, they become character. Watch your character; it becomes your destiny.

Shit.

Okay, so onto the goals~

1. Watch my "thoughts" and all that crap.
2. Drink 32 oz. water between now & 11am and another 32 oz. between 1p &5p.
3. Go to the gym.
4. Limit coffee to 3 cups.
5. Don't eat pizza, candy, or other tempting delectables.
6. Write email to someone I have neglected.
7. Approach Resident #3 with compassion.
8. Do strength routine.
9. Write.
10. Try not to get too depressed re: Inauguration Day.

I'll let you know how it goes.

Work is Crappy not Fulfilling...

I have these "what the hell" moments every few moments, it seems. Like just now. "What the hell" am I doing in this job? Some might say I'm a bleeding heart liberal. My husband might be one of them (even though he's a patchouli-stankin' tree huggin hippie if I ever saw one).

I work in hospice. Ahh, you might be thinking, what a saint. Nope. Seriously, no. I have compassion, sure. I feel good helping others, yes. But I'm also, I must admit, drawn to sad things. Gut-wrenching sob stories and all that. In kind-of an outsider-looking-in way, I feel fulfilled by what I'm doing. Like I'm making a difference. But inside the actual job-- inside this life that is my own these days-- I don't feel like I'm doing much of anything. It doesn't feel as though I'm making a difference at all. And I wonder why the hell I'm not in some corporate job making gobs of money.

I planned all along to go back to school for my masters degree. In 2002 I even applied to nursing school, got in, got pregnant, and got out (of school). Since then, I've entertained possibly 4,000 different career options. Each time, I get all hot and bothered, I excitedly read everything about a subject area, plan my life to the letter, then it fizzles out and I'm searching again.

I'm an INFJ, Capricorn, last born. I feel like that's all I need to say on my resume because it tells the whole story. My idealistic side and practical side are constantly in battle and I spend my nights vigorously writing lists of "pros and cons" between being a hermit philosopher or selling handmade bags in a downtown boutique. To no end. My resume shows it; I've been everything from a "dish bitch" to a "gallery sit", a "park ranger" to a "training manager". I even taught kids gymnastics for a while.

The problem is that I'm not fully prepared to be anything at this point. I have to go back to school just to be able to apply to go back to school. I have to work to make money to go back to school to be penniless to make more money when I get out. Oye. I get tired just thinking about it.

I'm done talking about that for now.