Work is Crappy not Fulfilling...

I have these "what the hell" moments every few moments, it seems. Like just now. "What the hell" am I doing in this job? Some might say I'm a bleeding heart liberal. My husband might be one of them (even though he's a patchouli-stankin' tree huggin hippie if I ever saw one).

I work in hospice. Ahh, you might be thinking, what a saint. Nope. Seriously, no. I have compassion, sure. I feel good helping others, yes. But I'm also, I must admit, drawn to sad things. Gut-wrenching sob stories and all that. In kind-of an outsider-looking-in way, I feel fulfilled by what I'm doing. Like I'm making a difference. But inside the actual job-- inside this life that is my own these days-- I don't feel like I'm doing much of anything. It doesn't feel as though I'm making a difference at all. And I wonder why the hell I'm not in some corporate job making gobs of money.

I planned all along to go back to school for my masters degree. In 2002 I even applied to nursing school, got in, got pregnant, and got out (of school). Since then, I've entertained possibly 4,000 different career options. Each time, I get all hot and bothered, I excitedly read everything about a subject area, plan my life to the letter, then it fizzles out and I'm searching again.

I'm an INFJ, Capricorn, last born. I feel like that's all I need to say on my resume because it tells the whole story. My idealistic side and practical side are constantly in battle and I spend my nights vigorously writing lists of "pros and cons" between being a hermit philosopher or selling handmade bags in a downtown boutique. To no end. My resume shows it; I've been everything from a "dish bitch" to a "gallery sit", a "park ranger" to a "training manager". I even taught kids gymnastics for a while.

The problem is that I'm not fully prepared to be anything at this point. I have to go back to school just to be able to apply to go back to school. I have to work to make money to go back to school to be penniless to make more money when I get out. Oye. I get tired just thinking about it.

I'm done talking about that for now.