Sigh. I love my baby.

To Vesta!

We're putting the house on the market this spring. I am so so so glad to be moving. We have lived in our two unit for 4+ years... and it's just way too small. We've done so much work on this house-- gutted it and re-did everything. And I am just so tired of it! I can't stand it.

So anyway, with thoughts of moving to a new place, I've been reading all of these "philosophy of home" things. Reading about Hestia, hearth, and what it means to call a place "home."
I did this cool exercise last night that takes you through your past homes and remembrances from childhood, adolescence, college, etc and it talks about when you feel the most comfortable and free and "home." It was eye opening. Here's what I learned about myself:
1. I love wind.
2. I love being alone.
3. I like it when no one knows what I'm doing. Idea of "secret" spaces.


What does this tell me in relation to my home?
1. I need exterior spaces: a yard, a deck, big windows looking out on the world.
2. I need a place within the home that I can call my own.
3. I want one room, filled with books, with furniture I can hide under, in chocolate brown. Dark, warm, and secret.

By going through the exercises, I learned a lot more about what I want and what I don't want. I always said that our apartment now didn't suit me because it was too small. But I realized that I actually really like small spaces... So long as I have a private corner to call my own.

This Week's Horoscope

I certainly have been blogging a lot lately...
Here's my horoscope this week, from my favorite star guide :

Be a workaholic as you build a beautiful life for yourself and those you care about most. Love as hard as you work; be a loveaholic. In fact, be doggedly devoted to becoming the best you can be in every way--not just in your career but also in your marriage and in your roles as friend, parent, community member, and all-around ethical person. Be stubborn in your insistence that we humans are capable of more and better, and prod others into being their best and most beautiful selves. If they refuse, end your relationship with them, but keep wishing them well.

I think this is what I was trying to get to yesterday, but didn't have the words.

The Speech Eval

So... we did the 90 minute speech evaluation today... and she is suggesting that we start speech therapy. So here we go. We're on the road. The thing that she (Sally) said, though, was that she thought O-Bird should go to an ENT or other medical provider and have his throat looked at medically. She thinks that there's something going on with his adnoids/tonsils/biology that he is trying to compensate for in his speech. It was really interesting. So we'll see.

I made the call for an OT evaluation as well.

Why is it so hard to make these calls?

You know, it was basically two hours out of my work day to get this eval done today. And it made me feel like a mom. Sometimes I feel so torn between my work life and my mamahood. I don't know. Yesterday, someone said something to me about how I should always have a diaper in my car, since I'm a mom. It was an innocent comment, but it made me feel a little bit like I'm not completely an adequate mom, simply because I have a big work life... Sometimes "mom" is not my first identity. I don't know how I feel about that. It gave me pause, that comment the other day. And so I guess I was thinking about that as I drove O-Bird around. I thought about how I would like to take him out to lunch, but wanted to get him back to his daycare routine (lunch with his friends), and about how I had to get back to work so that I could pump.

I wonder if someday I will feel regret for working during these first few years of their lives... Most of the moms I know, even the "stay at home" ones, put their kids in daycare at least a few days a week.

Wasn't this post supposed to be about the speech evaluation? Oye. Well, it was fine. I'll give the full info once I get the official report.

Weekend in a nutshell.

1. Went sledding.
2. Made igloo in backyard.
3. Did hot yoga.
4. Got really ticked off at husband.
5. Grocery shopping.
6. Tried not to snap at O-Bird for being hyper.
7. Was unsuccessful.
8. Tried not to nurse Vivi at 2am wake up.
9. Was unsuccessful.
10. Tried not to snap at my mom.
11. Went for a walk.

Life feels really full. I have spent a lot of today listening to the problems and tears of my employees. What the hell is going on with this year? Everyone is transitioning, bending, breaking, and just generally having a tough go of it. Big stuff going on right now.

Not that I'm totally freaking out. I'm getting some good stuff in there. I don't know. I guess I am totally freaking out.

Here's Something to Chew On...

This is weird for me to be posting, but I am definitely looking for some new perspectives and thoughts on this particular situation:

My mom hates my husband.

Maybe "hate" is too strong a word. But she most certainly doesn't like him. And he's been around for 7 years... so it's not as if he's the new kid on the block or something. Maybe you are wondering why I care. First of all, because she's my mother. Regardless of all else, I think we all (even a little bit) want our parents to like us, like our choices, blah blah blah. Or at least-- I do. I want her to think I've made a good choice in partner. Plus, he's great!! And I want her to realize that.

Secondly, it's not like my mom likes hundreds of miles away and I can save any stressful interactions for annual visits. No. My mom lives a TOWN away. And she takes care of Vivi four days a week. So I see her basically every day. And every day I'm faced with the reality of her dislike for my husband.

It's gotten to the point where she doesn't want to hear about anything going on with him. She doesn't even want to validate that he exists. She even told me a few months back that she is only going to think of me and my kids, but that he's out of the picture for her.

Now, lemme bring you back. Hubby and I had a rough year in 2006. I think this often happens for people when they have young children. There's money, communication, jobs... Life is absolutely crazy. Throw in raising children, disciplining, being on the same page, having an infant, etc-- anyway, Aar and I had a lot going on-- and we worked through a lot. I know what you're thinking, 'You told your mom and she took your side and now she's still mad at him...' or something to that effect. Nope. Not one word. In fact, I spoke highly of him, even through all of it. But she's got something in her head that just lashes out at him.

Instead, she should realize that I want her support, not her judgment. And when she judges him and disses him, she's dissing me. Am I off here? Has anyone out there in blog-world experienced this and lived through it to tell the tale??