Hey 'Dillo 'Dillo

My horoscope for the week talked about … “a sign hanging on a cactus. It read "Caution: Armadillo Crossing." Here's my interpretation of this clue: You should urge your "inner armadillo" to go out exploring, while at the same time making sure it's well protected and cared for. And what is your "inner armadillo"? Maybe it's the burrowing mammal with the heavy armor. What do you think?”

I found this to be so weird because Joanne called me an armadillo yesterday afternoon.

She talked about burying the head inside… and that kind of offended me. Made me feel like she’s saying I avoid things (not her intention, I’m sure), and I’ve been priding myself in the last year or so with really NOT avoiding things, but hitting them head on. But I like the mention in the horoscope of the heavy armor. That rings true for me. “

Urge your inner armadillo to go out exploring while making sure that it’s protected.” Don’t hide behind your heavy armor. Expose yourself to people that you feel you can do that with. The honesty thing. When I picked up Liam this morning, Renee and Gib were deep in conversation. And it got me thinking about relationships, soulmates, blah blah blah.

I have felt, lately, that the things I want to talk with Aaron about, he is unavailable for. He’s not up for it. Like the whole Chris thing (someone who is in the prime of life, runs every day, is awesome, etc.. all of a sudden diagnosed with pancreatic cancer—in January—and will be dead in less than a month): I was trying to talk about the gifts that death brings- the vibrancy that trauma puts into your life. I’ve been trying to put out positive energy… I’m all about hot yoga now… and I feel like he just isn't getting it. I feel like he’s negative. His deep sighs are so loud in my mind these days. Is this something new? Is it because work is hard for him right now?

When Heather asked me this morning how things were going with us, I told her the truth: “I don’t know.” We’re certainly not fighting. We’re having fun. He’s being more present with the kids. We’re doing great family stuff together. We’re having honest conversations about work. But there’s a “but”—there’s just something itching at me…

I guess what I’m getting to is that I am feeling these days like I am being an armadillo with my husband. With the one person I never wanted to be that way with. I am not being completely authentic with him. I’m feeling like I am holding things back from him—musings—because he is showing me that he’s not up for it. How did that happen? Is it temporary? Yuck.