Down.

I really do spent a lot of time thinking about my life, myself, where I'm going, what I'm doing... I'm actually pretty self-centered. I'm just masked in nonprofit work, so people think I must be selfless. But I'm so internal that I spend way too much time in my own head, trying to figure myself out. Today I am out of myself for a while.

Earlier I got out of that for a bit due to bad news about someone I know. A person who is sick and becoming sicker. I'm not going to get into it, because the details don't really matter. What matters is that there's absolutely nothing that I can do about it except to be here for him and his process. I know that that's a lot. It's an honor to be with someone towards the end of their life because that's when they really start reflecting. That's when poignant thoughts come from everyday conversations. It's pretty incredible and awesome... But it's also really sad. At the moment, I don't feel witty or smiley or any of those things. I feel really sad.

And then I wonder why I feel sad. It brings all the thoughts of afterlife, higher power, continuation of energies right to the forefront of my mind. But I'm actually pretty okay with all that stuff. I'm okay with my own thoughts and also with not knowing. What makes me sad is really that I won't be able to have a conversation with him like I do now. That there will be things that he won't be able to do. And what if, once I'm gone and others who know him are gone... What if he's forgotten?