Home Remedies??

Any ideas out there for acid reflux/ heartburn?
I am in pain over here.

It's A....

... Indeterminant.

Honestly, you can't plan anything.

We had our incredibly exciting and wonderful ultrasound on Friday. It was so cool! This time around, the woman really took her time and explained all the bits and pieces. Everything lookds good- healthy, fabulous! And the little one looks like Owen from the profile view. So cute! And it was a long ultrasound-- 45 minutes at least!-- but, get this,

the stinkin' umbilical cord was right between baby's legs the ENTIRE TIME. Our kid is riding that thing like a horsey!

Needless to say, we just couldn't tell. Couldn't see whether ding-a-ling or no.

Ahh well. Yet another reminder that you just can't plan anything! I think this is the lesson I'm supposed to learn in my lifetime. No control.

Anyhoo, I will scan in the ultrasound photos in the next couple of days and put them up. Really just amazing.

Woo-hoo! T-1 day left until my ultrasound.
Tomorrow morning at 7:45.
I am so excited I could burst. I hope everything is going okay in there. I don't feel as big as I did the first time around.

Aaron and I have definitely decided to find out if it's a boy or a girl. We're thinking about torturing our families though and not letting the cat out of the bag. Like all those celebrities.

Ahh... Narcissism is in the Stars

Here is my horoscope for this week:

It's the Introspection Season, Capricorn. I encourage you to write copiously in a journal. Here are several themes that would be fruitful to explore: (1) Your most amazing qualities and your worst qualities. (2) The hundred things you want to accomplish in the next 30 years. (3) Your bitter complaints, horrendous pain, and lost dreams. (4) Everything you love and everything that's beautiful and everything that works. In addition to writing your heart out and your ass off, paste in cut-out pictures from magazines, draw pictures, and ask friends to write messages to you.

I love this horoscope. I want to call in sick for the rest of the week and explore the inner workings of my mind like the introverted, moody, idealistic narcissist that I am.

nostalgia

Living as an adult in the town you grew up in has it's upsides and it's downsides. Today the waitress I had at lunch was someone I went to high school with. She recognized me, but couldn't recall "from where" and I spent lunch trying to figure it out. Now I remember that she's someone I smoked with on the steps... But it's all a blur. Her name isn't quite clear yet.

My ten year reunion is to be this year. I was a class officer in high school which means it's somewhat up to me to help plan the thing. Long story short: I don't want to. But I might because I'm a sucker like that.

Baby is squirming around more today. I can feel that, so that's really cool. Counting down until my ultrasound. Woo-hoo! That will be really cool. I'm bringing a video tape along. We did that with O-Bird and I still watch it sometimes. It's just so amazing that you can see in there!

Otherwise, doing better today. Actually living up to my breathing practice and not getting too stressed out about work. Although it's always there a little bit-- those knots in my shoulders-- and the big one in my stomach.

Will that hurt the baby? Am I going to have a stressed out kid???

Top picture was me at 11 weeks. Bottom pic was me at 15 1/2 weeks. I'm now nearly 18 weeks and the baby in the belly is growing like mad. I'm getting bigger every day. My ultrasound is on the 24th and I am totally psyched! Since I go to midwives, I'm sure of the date of my last period, I'm under 35 years old, and I live in Maine, we don't get ultrasounds unless there's something amiss... So I've been waiting all this time. Now I am DYING to see that little squirmer!

I am like a yo-yo with this job. Each day I feel something different. One thing is for sure-- I feel spent. I am trying to zen out in each situation and to see the whole picture, breathe, etc.-- but it's hard. Really.

I saw an ad the other day for a Reporter position. So again, the writing thing comes up. Same day I see the ad, I come home and get an article in mail about and from my friend James, the writer. Bona fide writer. Are these signs?

ouch

Today, my boobs hurt. They are just ouch.

Work is better than last week. It's good to be busy.

Good because I am feeling myself, in down times, feeling like maybe I should be looking around for more part-time work once I have another babe. OH NO, NOT THIS AGAIN.

But I was thinking about it in the car this morning and thinking that maybe this is the time to switch to a more writing focused career. Plus, yesterday I was talking with two other women. One is a nurse (we have plenty of those jobs around here) and the other had been a college professor, but since moving to Maine-- can't find a job.

Or maybe it's time to do school part-time. Or maybe I should just feel lucky that I even have a job. But then that makes me think, since all things are fleeting, what happens when this job isn't here anymore??

I just need to keep health insurance.

too much thinking. bye bye.

now if only

If only everyone else would realize that the only thing constant is change! I am working in an atmosphere of discontent-- everyone is freaked out and no one is talking about it. So here I am, the one who hates confrontation, trying to sort it all out and get people to talk, vent, and problem solve. My good friend John asked me the other day, "But you don't hate it [job], right?" And I told him that thankfully, I don't have time to think like that. This is what it is. I'm learning from it and I'll get through it.

On a happier note, 16 1/2 weeks pregnant and feeling good. Today I had to break down and do the elastic-through-the-belt-loop trick to keep my regular pants fitting. I'm really going to have to suck it up and tell everyone that I'm pregnant. Just more fuel to add to the freaked out fire!

So babe is the size of an avocado at this point, about 4 1/2" long and 3 1/2 oz. Last time, with the O-Bird, we didn't find out if we were having a boy or a girl. This time, I am absolutely DYING to find out what we are having. I don't know why. I think I like the name Joshua for a boy. Like Joshua Tree or like my first boyfriend when I was 6. Actually, he wasn't my first boyfriend, as I was quite precocious. But I don't even remember Stephen's last name. And Timmy was just about kissing in pre-school. That totally doesn't count.

damn musings

So after reading more of my Buddhist nun, I am reminded that I am never "in control" as I had hoped in my last post. There I was talking on and on about how I'm going to get back in control and things are just crazy now and all that... And now I realize, things are always crazy. Nothing ever stays the same, isn't that what makes life great?

And so it makes me happy in the moment and less freaked out about all the shit that is currently swirling around me at work.

It also brings me to the present of my pregnancy and body and being happy about the now. Things are really great with Owen and Aaron. Aaron and I are communicating more and more effectively. Things are clicking... Even though life, finances, etc continue to be stressful and hard.

But then it also calls me to the carpet. Me, who is always reassessing my life and questioning and re-questioning about what I'm meant to be doing, etc. Why be stressed when I could be throwing pots, barefoot, and living in Central America? And if the point is to connect with and be compassionate with other people in living... Then what happens when people freak you out and you would rather be alone, blogging to a world of nameless readers.

Isn't that what I'm actually doing? To avoid true connection, I am instead doing "good work" so that I can stay one step removed and still feel like I'm doing the right thing?

Ahhh... right back to not knowing what the hell I'm doing again.

morning

I have just discovered that my old friend, the hot librarian, is pregnant as well! This is her first babe, and it's such exciting news... I remember so clearly all of my fears and questions while I was pregnant with Owen. This pregnancy, for me, is also obviously fantastic and wonderful, but it's also less all-consuming, because the memories of the first time around come flooding back.

So anyone out there newly pregnant, or trying to get pregnant, please ask me lots and lots of questions because my second favorite topic (to sex) is pregnancy/babies.

Speaking of, I have an appointment today and looking forward to hearing another lubb-dubb heartbeat session. It will be a happy change from the horror that was work yesterday. Yesterday was filled with a difficult conversation with a staff person. And she stormed out angrily. I'm not sure if she's quit. I don't know how to get a hold of her (she's off on vacation). It's a yuck-o feeling that I'm ready to pass.

I started reading When Things Fall Apart to help gain perspective in my current work environment. Aaron and I talked about this last night. It's not that things are "falling apart" exactly, but it's more like things are coming together, and we are in that blink period beforehand when it feels completely out of control.