damn musings

So after reading more of my Buddhist nun, I am reminded that I am never "in control" as I had hoped in my last post. There I was talking on and on about how I'm going to get back in control and things are just crazy now and all that... And now I realize, things are always crazy. Nothing ever stays the same, isn't that what makes life great?

And so it makes me happy in the moment and less freaked out about all the shit that is currently swirling around me at work.

It also brings me to the present of my pregnancy and body and being happy about the now. Things are really great with Owen and Aaron. Aaron and I are communicating more and more effectively. Things are clicking... Even though life, finances, etc continue to be stressful and hard.

But then it also calls me to the carpet. Me, who is always reassessing my life and questioning and re-questioning about what I'm meant to be doing, etc. Why be stressed when I could be throwing pots, barefoot, and living in Central America? And if the point is to connect with and be compassionate with other people in living... Then what happens when people freak you out and you would rather be alone, blogging to a world of nameless readers.

Isn't that what I'm actually doing? To avoid true connection, I am instead doing "good work" so that I can stay one step removed and still feel like I'm doing the right thing?

Ahhh... right back to not knowing what the hell I'm doing again.