I have had a few experiences in the last couple of years that made me really feel like a parent: throwing a child's birthday party, being called "Mommy", using a time out. I had one yesterday.

Owen bolted from the yard and ran down the sidewalk and out into the street! I about lost my shit. I totally kept it cool outside and firmly grabbed him (while a car stopped and waited) and brought him inside. And then? I absolutely freaked out. I was sobbing. Over and over in my mind I just kept thinking, "What if I had lost him? What if that car didn't stop? What if... What if..." I was too slow. I couldn't get there in time-- he made it into the street. I can feel my pulse increasing even as I relay the story.

The real question here is: Does that make me a bad mother?

talk talk talk. blah blah blah.

Aaron and I had a really good and open conversation last night about... what else? Money. It is so true that money and financial stuff has become a very important part of our daily lives and chats. That's hard for me to deal with in a lot of ways... I have always been the kind of person who said "Money doesn't matter. Who needs money" etc. And now I am realizing that it is a part of my life and something that I think about more often than I'd like to.

After doing some number crunching the other night (or half doing it, because I got sort of depressed), we realized that if we have two kids in daycare next year at this time, we will be spending nearly $1500 a month in childcare alone. That's more than our mortgage and equity line together. This is a bit disturbing.

It calls into question: who is the number one earner in the family? At the moment, that's me. But Aaron has a higher earning potential unless I get another degree. However, if you include the benefits in my "earning amount", then I tip the scales. So the question becomes-- in a year, Aaron either has to make gobs more money, or one of us has to stay home (probably me) and the other (probably him) needs to work somewhere that will provide benefits (i.e. not on his own). These are hefty pills to swallow.

That's all I really have to say. Just an ever-present weighing on my mind.

Hormonal Mama

I totally just cried at my desk while watching this.
Thanks to CM for showing it to me.

crabby

i am so crabby right now.
i feel like everyone at work wants a piece of me. i just want them all to suck it up and figure it out. like i do ALL DAY LONG.

why is everyone so goddamn needy???

Dream Lives

Sometimes I think that our dreams are still a part of reality. Like, that they still "happen." And I feel this way about our aspirations-- or, those things that we say "What If" about-- that those are still a part of who we are. I've been doing a lot of "what if"s lately-- what if I didn't go to Scotland my junior year, what if I wasn't with my grandmother when she died, what if I'd never worked at the art store...

Anyway, here are some of my alternate lives:

1. potter
2. neuro-surgeon
3. stripper
4. monk
5. professor
6. photojournalist
7. fashion designer
8. supermodel
9. novelist
10. shaman
11. HIV diva
12. pilot
13. farmer
14. park ranger
15. EMT
16. tugboat captain

... Just to name a few.

Dream Interpreter

Woo Hoo! Cate and Conor are coming to Maine!!
I am so happy and excited-- it's been a long time since I've seen them and it'll be really nice to catch up. Plus, I can't wait to see that pregnant belly.

Work has been crazy for me and I haven't really had the time to be thinking about other things- like my other dream lives. I will list them later.

Speaking of dreams, though, and maybe this is pregg0-related, I don't know, but I've been having the most vivid dreams lately. And they aren't all pretty and pink. I had a dream the other night about the apocolypse-- all this steel gray water was rising. The night before I dreamed about an old lover. The thing about these dreams is that they are all hinting at the big life questions: what's the point? Where do you find happiness? What do you do with yourself when you know that you don't have another day to live?

Maybe that's why it's all coming up. Because when I feel busy, I feel like I'm missing something. Like I'm not taking the time to live it, because I'm getting through it. Does that make sense?

Basically, my body is messing with me.

pity party

Let me just stand up on my pity podium for a second.

I'm going to crab now about something that I made a new years resolution about. Way back in January, I said that I was going to try to re-connect with some folks from the past. Interestingly enough, some of those people have contacted me. I have, in turn, made every effort to write and email and stay connected. (No calls. I don't do phones well.). And, frankly, I'm feeling dissed and dismissed. I don't know if it's because everyone else out there is busier than me or what. A big part of me starts the self-deprecating thoughts that perhaps I'm not all that great a friend and that it's easy for people to write me off a little bit. Wah, wah. Boo hoo, right? Okay, I'm done with that.

Now I'll get to my parenting 101 dilemma of the week:
1. Owen's hitting
2. Owen's bed thrashing

Let me discuss. Owen will be 3 in August. He's a big guy and has not mastered the art of language at this point. He can talk-- and mostly in sentences-- but his words are most certainly not as quick as his emotions. So he has resorted to hitting. Not closed fisted punches, mind you... but slaps. "No!" Slap!

I used to think that kids that hit/bit came from overly aggressive homes (where parents hit or fought or something). Now I'm embarassed because we don't have an aggressive household at all!

Everything that I've tried: timeouts, alternatives ("We stomp our feet when we're frustrated"), lost privileges-- nothing works. I'm at a loss. My mom, helpful as she is, keeps reminding me that I was a biter. And so she bit me back and I never did it again. Unfortunately, number one, I'm not that violent. And number two, I don't want DHS on my ass.

The second troubling update is that Owen is a bed thrasher. He definitely gets this from me-- flipping around in bed, thrusting himself against the headboard, etc. He's still in a crib. I worry about transferring him to a bed because he's TOTALLY going to fall out. ALL THE TIME. And that's a bummer. It also makes a kid afraid to go to bed (at least, it did for me). Additionally, I think he likes it. What I mean is that I think he likes the feeling of his body slamming the boards like that. The reason? Because even when he's awake, he'll slam his feet against the backboard and rattle the crib like a cage. (Thankfully, no head banging. Knock on wood.)

So not only is he keeping me awake all night with his thrashing (and maybe baby, too, once baby comes out!), he's destroying his crib. Plus he's hitting when he gets pissed off.

Any child development experts out there?

Flashback

this weekend was like a horrible nightmare flashback to first trimester pains. i had some horrible bug that made me vomit and rage with diarrhea mercilessly. i'm not going to get into it. it was bad.

the wonderful thing about this experience, though, was how my husband dealt with it. he completely took over. he took care of owen the entire time. and you know what-- they both loved it. they had so much fun together. it really made my spirits soar and to see them enjoying each other's company was just awesome. made me feel like once we have another child in this house, aaron will really step up and take o-bird under his wing while i tend to baby. it was a huge relief. albeit, in between wretching trips to the bathroom.

my body is still feeling a bit tender this morning, so bear with me... but i think i may just take a class this summer. i know, i know. but i really want to take "anatomy & physiology" since i never did. i think i would like it. and again, why not? might as well feed the nurse thing if it's got me interested at the moment. it just seems that all the hiv divas out there (not that they are hiv+, but they are divas in the field) are RNs... often combined with an MPH (masters in public health). both sound good to me. both have been on the short list before. i even took an MPH class last fall... so, yeah. there i am. i'm doing it.