Husband and I decided to take another Childbirth Education class this time around. Turns out we were both feeling pretty unprepared and freaked out about the impending birth. "What if I've forgotten everything?" he asked me this weekend. What if I have too? So we signed up and we're ready to go. That makes things feel better. We also put a bassinet next to our bed and got the infant car seat back from my sister. With a few diapers in hand, we'll have all that we need for the start of this crazy new life.

Owen has moved into a "big boy bed" and the transition was painless. He looks so old in there. I definitely do much more checking in on him than I used to. I just like to watch him sleep. While I am psyched to have another baby, I am also kind-of mourning the loss of our special triad (me, Hubby, and the O-Bird)... It's sad for me to think that Owen will never remember a time when he was our only child. I worry that he will hate me for bringing another child into the family. I worry that I won't be able to give him as much (time, energy, love) as I've been able to with him as the one and only. Logically, I know that it works and that I can do it and all that... But I still have these nagging feelings of... loss, I guess.

Not Much to Say

... Except that I could have this baby in as few as 6 weeks from now. That is absolutely petrifying to me. What would I do if I didn't have to worry about money and health insurance? I would sew clothes and bags, I would travel to distant lands, I would paint, write, sculpt; I would run around with my kids all day.

I had a great talk with M last night about that and she was talking about figuring out how to do that. And the lightening rod hit me. "I don't have to figure it out, I just have to do it." And I know that I'm not yet ready for that huge leap of faith. But at least I've named it. I know what I have to do.

The trick is really making the leap and trusting that the net will appear.

are you from my planet?

I like to think that I am an honest person. I like to think that I tell people what I really think and don't hold back my opinions at all. I am realizing the last couple of weeks that I am a complete poser and a liar to boot. I often hold back, especially when talking with people about really personal stuff. Why do I do this? In a nutshell, I fear judgment. I don't want to feel like a failure/loser/bad-choice-maker. This realization has been liberating as well as enlightening. For one thing, being a liar can be really helpful in some situations. There are some people that you need to lie to. These are the people who don't really care how you are doing when they ask "How are you?" These are the people who are unable (or unwilling) to give support to you in your decisions (good or bad). These are people who may be "wet blankets" and actually want to see you fail just so they'll feel that much better about what's going on in their own lives. These are also people who just aren't from the same planet... they mean no harm, but they really just don't get it.

The secret is finding out who those people are before you go and blab your innermost secrets, only to be squashed like a bug and to run hiding under the covers. You find them and you lie, lie, lie.

My "problem" for years and years was that I just assumed that everyone was a little bit like that (except Hubby, which was a huge part of why I married him).

So part of my realization over the last couple of weeks has been that there are others who get it too! I had a great talk with one of those people yesterday and it felt so awesome to just let myself go without being afraid of retribution, judgment, or any other icky baggage stuff. Some of the things that are flying out of my heart are things like:

1. I want to have more children (more than 2)
2. I don't want to work full-time (gasp!)
3. I want to (at some point) start my own business
4. I want to move to the country
5. I want to go back to school for design

...Most of these things are literally things that I never left any room in my life for. I just didn't see them as real possibilities or as practical or whatever. So anyway. I'm making room for all of these forbidden dreams. That feels really good.