are you from my planet?
I like to think that I am an honest person. I like to think that I tell people what I really think and don't hold back my opinions at all. I am realizing the last couple of weeks that I am a complete poser and a liar to boot. I often hold back, especially when talking with people about really personal stuff. Why do I do this? In a nutshell, I fear judgment. I don't want to feel like a failure/loser/bad-choice-maker. This realization has been liberating as well as enlightening. For one thing, being a liar can be really helpful in some situations. There are some people that you need to lie to. These are the people who don't really care how you are doing when they ask "How are you?" These are the people who are unable (or unwilling) to give support to you in your decisions (good or bad). These are people who may be "wet blankets" and actually want to see you fail just so they'll feel that much better about what's going on in their own lives. These are also people who just aren't from the same planet... they mean no harm, but they really just don't get it.
The secret is finding out who those people are before you go and blab your innermost secrets, only to be squashed like a bug and to run hiding under the covers. You find them and you lie, lie, lie.
My "problem" for years and years was that I just assumed that everyone was a little bit like that (except Hubby, which was a huge part of why I married him).
So part of my realization over the last couple of weeks has been that there are others who get it too! I had a great talk with one of those people yesterday and it felt so awesome to just let myself go without being afraid of retribution, judgment, or any other icky baggage stuff. Some of the things that are flying out of my heart are things like:
1. I want to have more children (more than 2)
2. I don't want to work full-time (gasp!)
3. I want to (at some point) start my own business
4. I want to move to the country
5. I want to go back to school for design
...Most of these things are literally things that I never left any room in my life for. I just didn't see them as real possibilities or as practical or whatever. So anyway. I'm making room for all of these forbidden dreams. That feels really good.
posted by freak mama at 11:35 AM
1 Comments:
That is so awesome! And I know exactly what you mean about having to be a big liar about things because you just can't talk to some people. Today that is especially true of my mother (though I know "lying" to your parents is a whole different can of worms) who doesn't want to hear about how I think reusable is more important convenient or how we are open to adopting a special needs baby next time around. Then there's the rest of the world - I never know who is going to be horrified if I tell them I don't have much in the way of career aspirations, because I'd really like to be a stay-at-home mom, and I definitely have to watch who I tell that while being pregnant is exciting, it's really not for me... so here's to being honest. If not with the judgemental real world, at least with ourselves! (and each other, right? :)
6:37 AM
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