Belly at 21 weeks

This was me almost 3 weeks ago. Hard to believe that this baby is growing like gangbusters. I still have a long way to go. Today I feel swollen and tired. I have no interest in walking or moving in any way. It's starting to get warm and I'm showing my oddly colored body in all it's glory (sleeveless shirt and all!). When I say "oddly colored" i'm refering to the weird pigment changes in my skin. Normally kind-of a yellow person, I've become more brown and pink.

I feel like the fat kid in gym class.

Had a good time with my friend Meadow yesterday. She's contemplating having baby number two... and thinking about all of those things that occupy my every thought-- daycare, health insurance, money, crazy-zoo-like homefront. It was good to get some of that stuff out there and to remind myself that it's okay not to know what the hell I'm doing.

Speaking of that- for the first time in months, I started looking at going back to school. When in god's name am I going to do such a thing? I don't know. But it's all about re-investigating myself. All that pregnancy inwardness crap. I love it.

Who's Cute??

He is so damn cute. I love this guy... my little O-bird.

the week in review

so at last the week is coming to a close. let's review, shall we?

1. sunday = easter.
i have "issues" with the resurrection, so it's not a top holiday on my list to begin with. we always have easter with aaron's senile grandparents, who i love. but they live 1 1/2 hours away and owen is not exactly a car-guy. the house is full of breakable china things and i spent the whole time outside, trying to keep owen from being killed by cars speeding by. he didn't have lunch with us, barely napped, and screamed most of the way home, while his hung over auntie, who was also in the car, desperately tried to "reason" with him. i came home in tears and sobbed about "why do i hate holidays so much?" and went to bed with puffy eyeballs.

2. monday = foolish holiday.
in new england, monday is patriot's day and is supposed to reflect the beginning of our fight for independence. it's a bunch of bullshit.
i got roped into taking care of my nephews who are mercilessly mean to owen.

3. tuesday = back to work.
came back to a shitstorm at work where there is drama around every bend due to the ever-changing environment of residential care. my new nurse is rubbing folks the wrong way. so i am playing diplomat. (it's okay to laugh)

4. wednesday
i cried essentially all day on wednesday. i had a doctor's appointment and my midwife asked how i was doing "emotionally." needless to say, i lost it and went into a litany of all of my worries and concerns. it also became exceedingly clear that i am feeling too much pressure as the boss, super-mom, do-it-all woman that i have been for the last few years. then i visited with my sister in law, continued to cry the afternoon away and finally lost my wallet that night. once i came home, i cried again to aaron and told him that i hated to nag but that i needed him to start making money or being home, because without his support in either area, it meant that i needed to make all the money, bring home benefits, take care of owen in every moment of free time. since he's working so hard to make money, he's never around. and he's not making any money.

5. thursday
woke up feeling like total shit due to all of the tears shed the days before. had an incredibly long day at work and learned that owen STILL has an ear infection. aaron offered to bring him to the doctor, get the meds, etc. it's the first time he's ever done that. i spent the evening talking to the baby in my belly and assuring him/her that all of the tears are about life things and not baby. then spent the rest of the night repeating the mantra "keep perspective."

6. friday
so far so good. i haven't cried today. the sun is out. work is do-able, even though i have to give hard feedback to some staff. tuna is with me in my office and owen is napping at my mom's. my fabulous mom who said that she will take care of newborn baby after my maternity leave, while i work.

money is the root of all evil

i've been having a really emotional week. i'm crying all the time. today's source of tears? money. or lack thereof.

sometimes i feel like we are foolish to live in maine. housing is so expensive relative to what people make. everything is expensive. on the other hand-- it's the most beautiful, friendly, and wonderful place to live. our whole family lives here. we have great work and friends. but we aren't making ends meet. we're always skipping one bill to pay another. what on earth am i going to do when we have another baby in the mix?

Freak Out

I'm starting to freak out about childcare for this little bambino. Here's why: Last time around, my mom lived two streets away (when I had Owen). After my maternity leave, she took care of him every day while I was at work. She brought him in to nurse, we had lunch together, etc etc. She did that until he was a full year old. Not only was it incredibly money saving... it was just wonderful to know that someone who loves him as much as I do was spending the day with him.

This time around, my mom's not so sure she's going to sign on for the task. She lives 30 minutes away now. She's started working again... and likes it.

So now I feel a little bit back to the drawing board and the guilt of being a working mom sets in once again. It's like a roller-coaster... and right now, it bothers me a little bit. There are a lot of factors. For Aaron and I, the big one is Benefits with a capital B. I make the benefits. Since Aaron is self-employed, he has not reached the "perk"-status of being so. It means that he has irregular paychecks and no insurance. That's where I come in. I have a check we can count on and all the doctors/dentists visits we could ever hope for.

Some would say-- well then, why doesn't he stay home?-- Staying home is HARD WORK. I don't think my mental status would serve anyone well to stay home full time. But working 3 days a week would be perfect. For me. For Aaron, however, it would drive him to drink. He loves Owen, don't get me wrong. He loves babies. But... It would be a real struggle.

So here I sit, wondering if I can try to fenagle some "work-from-home" scheduling out. I fear because my predecessor really stuck it to him last time around, it'll be deja-vu for my boss and he'll run away in fear. I'm nervous about that, too, because I really love my job. I don't want to give anything up.

Baby on the Brain

I woke up this morning, and all of a sudden-- BOOM-- I'm pregnant! My belly has really popped out (37 inches) today. There is no more hiding it.

This is a relief, and will be interesting to see if it becomes a curse as well. Get used to all those foreign hands rubbing the Buddah without asking!

Now that baby is squirming around in there and grabbing at my ribs and bladder, it's hard to think of much else! But alas-- work calls. Gotta go.