astrological forecasting

i admit that i am a slave to my horoscope. the one that i read weekly, comes out on Wednesday's, and is called Free Will Astrology. I love it. So this week, mine feels particularly relevant:

The language we use has a tremendous power to shape our experience. This is especially true for you right now. The words you choose to describe your feelings and adventures will tip the balance of your energy toward delight and vigor or else toward discouragement and apathy. The fewer negative perspectives you formulate, the better your health will be...

(it goes on, but I'll stop there. you get the point)

it's basically the tactic i used back in 1999 when i was dumped in a driveway in Ohio at 1am... pretend you are happy and lovely and that you don't care about the bastard-- and pretty soon, you don't. it worked then.

so now i need to act as though there is no stress in my job, life with a brood of children will be all peaches, money will happen, and i will be living an artists life by years end. fabulous. marvelous. splendid. ahhh. the excitement and intrigue! the sheer glamour of it all!! (is this working yet??)

mom's big pep talk

I wrote to my friend James today and found myself relaying a story that I had filed under "no consequence" in my life.... and yet, there it reared it's ugly head. So since it's cathartic and all that, I'm going to air it again.

My mom and I went out to dinner sometime last month, just the two of us. This was her way of congratulating me on my new job, baby, etc.. We were talking about my job, and I was feeling somewhat smug- important, in charge, successful-- you know, the regular bullshit-- and she says to me, "I guess I just always thought you would be a writer." She said it like some parents say "Why don't you be a doctor like your sister?" or "You're too smart to be doing _____ (insert job here)". I was a little stunned. I shrugged my shoulders.

"Well, I guess there's still time." Deep sigh.

And my big comeback? Silence. I skittered away from the subject like a timid little mouse. Reverting to the slumped posture and bruised ego of my former 8 year old self.

When I got home, I was all pissy and thought "I am a writer. I don't have to work for some stupid paper or get published in some stupid magazine to prove it." The defenses shot up all around me. And I left it.

Until today. Because you know what, I do want to be a writer. I do want to get in some stupid magazine or something. I do want to write a novel. And so what the hell am I doing? Why do I have to constantly reassess?? What is the purpose of this life of mine? Why do I do the things I do... but more importantly, why don't I do the things I don't do?

this is helping me

quite a bit, actually.
Online Bubblewrap. Can't beat that with a stick.

week from hell

i'm 4 months pregnant and too stressed out at work.

this week has just been way too much for me! i've got staffing problems, to say the least. i thought things were going so well-- i found the perfect woman to take the nursing position... and i just got off the phone with her and i fear she won't accept the job. i'm in a time crunch. i have another nurse who i might have to can. i've got people unhappy and burnt out, and i'm overwhelmed and tired.

the last time i was pregnant, i was in a boring do-nothing job. i did busy-work and was completely unsatisfied, unmotivated, and so terribly bored... but i didn't take anything home with me, i didn't wake up in the middle of the night stressing... i'm not sure which situation is "easier" to be in.

i love my job. i really do. but i think i need a vacation.

Leadership

I am having my first few tests as a leader in my new job. It's really exhausting. Don't I sound like a Diva? It's true though-- I'm "on" all the time-- trying to model behavior, make split second decisions, exercise my "authority"... and yet, I have no clue what I'm doing. I mean, I have a clue... But I'm interested in others' input and I'm just not always... sure. Sure that I'm right.

I'm trying to remind myself that this is one of those wonderful learning moments that come with growing up. Awww, gee whiz, Beav.

All of this pondering makes me have to poop.

aimless

I'm kind of wandering aimlessly this morning. I was up late (for me) last night, and now I find myself unmotivated and ... aimless. I had a mixed bag day yesterday and I think it's taking it's toll. Reemed out by a client, given accilades by a supervisee (kissing up???), busy with work stuff, wanting to get Owen from daycare on time, having a real heart to heart with the hubby. It was such a full day. I feel like it was enough for two.

Plus-- OH MY GOD-- my oldest friend in the world (who happens to live 30 minutes away) is pregnant, too! I am so happy and excited!! About a year ago, we talked about being pregnant together. When I found out I was pregnant in December... I was so hoping that her life would prove parallel (as it often does), but didn't want to press the issue... AND YAY!! So she's just about 1 1/2 months off my due date, so we will be large n' in charge together this summer. I am so psyched! Plus, move over Brangelina Spawn... because Heather's baby is going to be GORGEOUS!