mom's big pep talk

I wrote to my friend James today and found myself relaying a story that I had filed under "no consequence" in my life.... and yet, there it reared it's ugly head. So since it's cathartic and all that, I'm going to air it again.

My mom and I went out to dinner sometime last month, just the two of us. This was her way of congratulating me on my new job, baby, etc.. We were talking about my job, and I was feeling somewhat smug- important, in charge, successful-- you know, the regular bullshit-- and she says to me, "I guess I just always thought you would be a writer." She said it like some parents say "Why don't you be a doctor like your sister?" or "You're too smart to be doing _____ (insert job here)". I was a little stunned. I shrugged my shoulders.

"Well, I guess there's still time." Deep sigh.

And my big comeback? Silence. I skittered away from the subject like a timid little mouse. Reverting to the slumped posture and bruised ego of my former 8 year old self.

When I got home, I was all pissy and thought "I am a writer. I don't have to work for some stupid paper or get published in some stupid magazine to prove it." The defenses shot up all around me. And I left it.

Until today. Because you know what, I do want to be a writer. I do want to get in some stupid magazine or something. I do want to write a novel. And so what the hell am I doing? Why do I have to constantly reassess?? What is the purpose of this life of mine? Why do I do the things I do... but more importantly, why don't I do the things I don't do?