they grow up so fast

Here's my little man at 8 months... Viv is 8 months now.

Now he is pedaling a bike, peeing in the potty, and generally sassing me at every step.







Here's my little man at 3 years, 8 months...


How did that happen? Where has the time gone? Enjoy it, you hot mamas and papas out there. I know I am.

another attempt?

I think I'm going to have my second attempt at 26.2.
That's right folks. Once again, I am going to attempt my first ever marathon... my last attempt turned into my first ever half- marathon. I'm nervous and cynical. We'll see what happens. I'll keep you posted.

what should i be when i grow up?

Everything comes in cycles, doesn't it? I feel like I'm perpetually doing the "what will i be when i grow up" talk... So here it comes again.
Why? Oh, this is a good one.

My mom told me the other day that the "problem" with me is that I have too many dreams. Honestly. She said this out loud. She told me that even though it's not in my heart, I should go to school and become a nurse. Because it's the practical, smart thing to do. She is right. It is a smart move. However, I just can't seem to do it. I just really don't want to. And why should i do something that I really don't want to do?

"Because you have a family to think about. You can think about yourself and your dreams when they are all grown up."

My heart absolutely sunk. First of all, Damn!, how disheartening! And wow, to think that she must be so resentful of having children... since she didn't get to do the things she wanted to do because she had kids. (Am I reaching here?) More, though, it pissed me off a bit because I don't think I'm only thinking about myself.

I do, however, think that now is the time to go back to school. I think it makes sense to get an additional degree because I will be more financially stable with that added degree. Especially up here in the sticks... I've about hit my ceiling in earning potential until I have an MA or PhD after my name. And the truth is: I really do want a career. That is important to me.

So what should I do? INFJs are supposedly drawn to being librarians, ministers, teachers, holistic health practitioners, artists, architects, nonprofit directors, blah blah blah. Good with people 1:1, liking the big picture, into problem solving, yadda yadda. I know what I like in my job. I know what I don't like. So where's the rub? Too many to choose from. I almost wish someone out there would choose for me.

And the dreamer in me? What would I do if I could do anything in the whole wide world? I'd be a fabulous fashion designer with a side of handbags and home decor. And there goes my mom's voice in my head, "You know what your problem is...?"

Practical. But artistic.

Architect it is.

at this moment in time, that is.

Hey 'Dillo 'Dillo

My horoscope for the week talked about … “a sign hanging on a cactus. It read "Caution: Armadillo Crossing." Here's my interpretation of this clue: You should urge your "inner armadillo" to go out exploring, while at the same time making sure it's well protected and cared for. And what is your "inner armadillo"? Maybe it's the burrowing mammal with the heavy armor. What do you think?”

I found this to be so weird because Joanne called me an armadillo yesterday afternoon.

She talked about burying the head inside… and that kind of offended me. Made me feel like she’s saying I avoid things (not her intention, I’m sure), and I’ve been priding myself in the last year or so with really NOT avoiding things, but hitting them head on. But I like the mention in the horoscope of the heavy armor. That rings true for me. “

Urge your inner armadillo to go out exploring while making sure that it’s protected.” Don’t hide behind your heavy armor. Expose yourself to people that you feel you can do that with. The honesty thing. When I picked up Liam this morning, Renee and Gib were deep in conversation. And it got me thinking about relationships, soulmates, blah blah blah.

I have felt, lately, that the things I want to talk with Aaron about, he is unavailable for. He’s not up for it. Like the whole Chris thing (someone who is in the prime of life, runs every day, is awesome, etc.. all of a sudden diagnosed with pancreatic cancer—in January—and will be dead in less than a month): I was trying to talk about the gifts that death brings- the vibrancy that trauma puts into your life. I’ve been trying to put out positive energy… I’m all about hot yoga now… and I feel like he just isn't getting it. I feel like he’s negative. His deep sighs are so loud in my mind these days. Is this something new? Is it because work is hard for him right now?

When Heather asked me this morning how things were going with us, I told her the truth: “I don’t know.” We’re certainly not fighting. We’re having fun. He’s being more present with the kids. We’re doing great family stuff together. We’re having honest conversations about work. But there’s a “but”—there’s just something itching at me…

I guess what I’m getting to is that I am feeling these days like I am being an armadillo with my husband. With the one person I never wanted to be that way with. I am not being completely authentic with him. I’m feeling like I am holding things back from him—musings—because he is showing me that he’s not up for it. How did that happen? Is it temporary? Yuck.

Sigh. I love my baby.

To Vesta!

We're putting the house on the market this spring. I am so so so glad to be moving. We have lived in our two unit for 4+ years... and it's just way too small. We've done so much work on this house-- gutted it and re-did everything. And I am just so tired of it! I can't stand it.

So anyway, with thoughts of moving to a new place, I've been reading all of these "philosophy of home" things. Reading about Hestia, hearth, and what it means to call a place "home."
I did this cool exercise last night that takes you through your past homes and remembrances from childhood, adolescence, college, etc and it talks about when you feel the most comfortable and free and "home." It was eye opening. Here's what I learned about myself:
1. I love wind.
2. I love being alone.
3. I like it when no one knows what I'm doing. Idea of "secret" spaces.


What does this tell me in relation to my home?
1. I need exterior spaces: a yard, a deck, big windows looking out on the world.
2. I need a place within the home that I can call my own.
3. I want one room, filled with books, with furniture I can hide under, in chocolate brown. Dark, warm, and secret.

By going through the exercises, I learned a lot more about what I want and what I don't want. I always said that our apartment now didn't suit me because it was too small. But I realized that I actually really like small spaces... So long as I have a private corner to call my own.

This Week's Horoscope

I certainly have been blogging a lot lately...
Here's my horoscope this week, from my favorite star guide :

Be a workaholic as you build a beautiful life for yourself and those you care about most. Love as hard as you work; be a loveaholic. In fact, be doggedly devoted to becoming the best you can be in every way--not just in your career but also in your marriage and in your roles as friend, parent, community member, and all-around ethical person. Be stubborn in your insistence that we humans are capable of more and better, and prod others into being their best and most beautiful selves. If they refuse, end your relationship with them, but keep wishing them well.

I think this is what I was trying to get to yesterday, but didn't have the words.

The Speech Eval

So... we did the 90 minute speech evaluation today... and she is suggesting that we start speech therapy. So here we go. We're on the road. The thing that she (Sally) said, though, was that she thought O-Bird should go to an ENT or other medical provider and have his throat looked at medically. She thinks that there's something going on with his adnoids/tonsils/biology that he is trying to compensate for in his speech. It was really interesting. So we'll see.

I made the call for an OT evaluation as well.

Why is it so hard to make these calls?

You know, it was basically two hours out of my work day to get this eval done today. And it made me feel like a mom. Sometimes I feel so torn between my work life and my mamahood. I don't know. Yesterday, someone said something to me about how I should always have a diaper in my car, since I'm a mom. It was an innocent comment, but it made me feel a little bit like I'm not completely an adequate mom, simply because I have a big work life... Sometimes "mom" is not my first identity. I don't know how I feel about that. It gave me pause, that comment the other day. And so I guess I was thinking about that as I drove O-Bird around. I thought about how I would like to take him out to lunch, but wanted to get him back to his daycare routine (lunch with his friends), and about how I had to get back to work so that I could pump.

I wonder if someday I will feel regret for working during these first few years of their lives... Most of the moms I know, even the "stay at home" ones, put their kids in daycare at least a few days a week.

Wasn't this post supposed to be about the speech evaluation? Oye. Well, it was fine. I'll give the full info once I get the official report.