what the hell?

they grow up so fast

2007-05-01T11:22:00.000-05:00

Here's my little man at 8 months... Viv is 8 months now.

Now he is pedaling a bike, peeing in the potty, and generally sassing me at every step.

Here's my little man at 3 years, 8 months...

How did that happen? Where has the time gone? Enjoy it, you hot mamas and papas out there. I know I am.

another attempt?

2007-04-16T09:41:00.000-05:00

I think I'm going to have my second attempt at 26.2.
That's right folks. Once again, I am going to attempt my first ever marathon... my last attempt turned into my first ever half- marathon. I'm nervous and cynical. We'll see what happens. I'll keep you posted.

what should i be when i grow up?

2007-04-16T09:28:00.000-05:00

Everything comes in cycles, doesn't it? I feel like I'm perpetually doing the "what will i be when i grow up" talk... So here it comes again.
Why? Oh, this is a good one.

My mom told me the other day that the "problem" with me is that I have too many dreams. Honestly. She said this out loud. She told me that even though it's not in my heart, I should go to school and become a nurse. Because it's the practical, smart thing to do. She is right. It is a smart move. However, I just can't seem to do it. I just really don't want to. And why should i do something that I really don't want to do?

"Because you have a family to think about. You can think about yourself and your dreams when they are all grown up."

My heart absolutely sunk. First of all, Damn!, how disheartening! And wow, to think that she must be so resentful of having children... since she didn't get to do the things she wanted to do because she had kids. (Am I reaching here?) More, though, it pissed me off a bit because I don't think I'm only thinking about myself.

I do, however, think that now is the time to go back to school. I think it makes sense to get an additional degree because I will be more financially stable with that added degree. Especially up here in the sticks... I've about hit my ceiling in earning potential until I have an MA or PhD after my name. And the truth is: I really do want a career. That is important to me.

So what should I do? INFJs are supposedly drawn to being librarians, ministers, teachers, holistic health practitioners, artists, architects, nonprofit directors, blah blah blah. Good with people 1:1, liking the big picture, into problem solving, yadda yadda. I know what I like in my job. I know what I don't like. So where's the rub? Too many to choose from. I almost wish someone out there would choose for me.

And the dreamer in me? What would I do if I could do anything in the whole wide world? I'd be a fabulous fashion designer with a side of handbags and home decor. And there goes my mom's voice in my head, "You know what your problem is...?"

Practical. But artistic.

Architect it is.

at this moment in time, that is.

Hey 'Dillo 'Dillo

2007-04-11T10:56:00.000-05:00

My horoscope for the week talked about … “a sign hanging on a cactus. It read "Caution: Armadillo Crossing." Here's my interpretation of this clue: You should urge your "inner armadillo" to go out exploring, while at the same time making sure it's well protected and cared for. And what is your "inner armadillo"? Maybe it's the burrowing mammal with the heavy armor. What do you think?”

I found this to be so weird because Joanne called me an armadillo yesterday afternoon.

She talked about burying the head inside… and that kind of offended me. Made me feel like she’s saying I avoid things (not her intention, I’m sure), and I’ve been priding myself in the last year or so with really NOT avoiding things, but hitting them head on. But I like the mention in the horoscope of the heavy armor. That rings true for me. “

Urge your inner armadillo to go out exploring while making sure that it’s protected.” Don’t hide behind your heavy armor. Expose yourself to people that you feel you can do that with. The honesty thing. When I picked up Liam this morning, Renee and Gib were deep in conversation. And it got me thinking about relationships, soulmates, blah blah blah.

I have felt, lately, that the things I want to talk with Aaron about, he is unavailable for. He’s not up for it. Like the whole Chris thing (someone who is in the prime of life, runs every day, is awesome, etc.. all of a sudden diagnosed with pancreatic cancer—in January—and will be dead in less than a month): I was trying to talk about the gifts that death brings- the vibrancy that trauma puts into your life. I’ve been trying to put out positive energy… I’m all about hot yoga now… and I feel like he just isn't getting it. I feel like he’s negative. His deep sighs are so loud in my mind these days. Is this something new? Is it because work is hard for him right now?

When Heather asked me this morning how things were going with us, I told her the truth: “I don’t know.” We’re certainly not fighting. We’re having fun. He’s being more present with the kids. We’re doing great family stuff together. We’re having honest conversations about work. But there’s a “but”—there’s just something itching at me…

I guess what I’m getting to is that I am feeling these days like I am being an armadillo with my husband. With the one person I never wanted to be that way with. I am not being completely authentic with him. I’m feeling like I am holding things back from him—musings—because he is showing me that he’s not up for it. How did that happen? Is it temporary? Yuck.

2007-03-29T13:26:00.000-05:00

Sigh. I love my baby.

To Vesta!

2007-03-20T08:58:00.000-05:00

We're putting the house on the market this spring. I am so so so glad to be moving. We have lived in our two unit for 4+ years... and it's just way too small. We've done so much work on this house-- gutted it and re-did everything. And I am just so tired of it! I can't stand it.

So anyway, with thoughts of moving to a new place, I've been reading all of these "philosophy of home" things. Reading about Hestia, hearth, and what it means to call a place "home."
I did this cool exercise last night that takes you through your past homes and remembrances from childhood, adolescence, college, etc and it talks about when you feel the most comfortable and free and "home." It was eye opening. Here's what I learned about myself:
1. I love wind.
2. I love being alone.
3. I like it when no one knows what I'm doing. Idea of "secret" spaces.

What does this tell me in relation to my home?
1. I need exterior spaces: a yard, a deck, big windows looking out on the world.
2. I need a place within the home that I can call my own.
3. I want one room, filled with books, with furniture I can hide under, in chocolate brown. Dark, warm, and secret.

By going through the exercises, I learned a lot more about what I want and what I don't want. I always said that our apartment now didn't suit me because it was too small. But I realized that I actually really like small spaces... So long as I have a private corner to call my own.

This Week's Horoscope

2007-03-07T10:41:00.000-06:00

I certainly have been blogging a lot lately...
Here's my horoscope this week, from my favorite star guide :

Be a workaholic as you build a beautiful life for yourself and those you care about most. Love as hard as you work; be a loveaholic. In fact, be doggedly devoted to becoming the best you can be in every way--not just in your career but also in your marriage and in your roles as friend, parent, community member, and all-around ethical person. Be stubborn in your insistence that we humans are capable of more and better, and prod others into being their best and most beautiful selves. If they refuse, end your relationship with them, but keep wishing them well.

I think this is what I was trying to get to yesterday, but didn't have the words.

The Speech Eval

2007-03-06T11:45:00.000-06:00

So... we did the 90 minute speech evaluation today... and she is suggesting that we start speech therapy. So here we go. We're on the road. The thing that she (Sally) said, though, was that she thought O-Bird should go to an ENT or other medical provider and have his throat looked at medically. She thinks that there's something going on with his adnoids/tonsils/biology that he is trying to compensate for in his speech. It was really interesting. So we'll see.

I made the call for an OT evaluation as well.

Why is it so hard to make these calls?

You know, it was basically two hours out of my work day to get this eval done today. And it made me feel like a mom. Sometimes I feel so torn between my work life and my mamahood. I don't know. Yesterday, someone said something to me about how I should always have a diaper in my car, since I'm a mom. It was an innocent comment, but it made me feel a little bit like I'm not completely an adequate mom, simply because I have a big work life... Sometimes "mom" is not my first identity. I don't know how I feel about that. It gave me pause, that comment the other day. And so I guess I was thinking about that as I drove O-Bird around. I thought about how I would like to take him out to lunch, but wanted to get him back to his daycare routine (lunch with his friends), and about how I had to get back to work so that I could pump.

I wonder if someday I will feel regret for working during these first few years of their lives... Most of the moms I know, even the "stay at home" ones, put their kids in daycare at least a few days a week.

Wasn't this post supposed to be about the speech evaluation? Oye. Well, it was fine. I'll give the full info once I get the official report.

Weekend in a nutshell.

2007-03-05T12:59:00.000-06:00

1. Went sledding.
2. Made igloo in backyard.
3. Did hot yoga.
4. Got really ticked off at husband.
5. Grocery shopping.
6. Tried not to snap at O-Bird for being hyper.
7. Was unsuccessful.
8. Tried not to nurse Vivi at 2am wake up.
9. Was unsuccessful.
10. Tried not to snap at my mom.
11. Went for a walk.

Life feels really full. I have spent a lot of today listening to the problems and tears of my employees. What the hell is going on with this year? Everyone is transitioning, bending, breaking, and just generally having a tough go of it. Big stuff going on right now.

Not that I'm totally freaking out. I'm getting some good stuff in there. I don't know. I guess I am totally freaking out.

Here's Something to Chew On...

2007-03-01T12:41:00.000-06:00

This is weird for me to be posting, but I am definitely looking for some new perspectives and thoughts on this particular situation:

My mom hates my husband.

Maybe "hate" is too strong a word. But she most certainly doesn't like him. And he's been around for 7 years... so it's not as if he's the new kid on the block or something. Maybe you are wondering why I care. First of all, because she's my mother. Regardless of all else, I think we all (even a little bit) want our parents to like us, like our choices, blah blah blah. Or at least-- I do. I want her to think I've made a good choice in partner. Plus, he's great!! And I want her to realize that.

Secondly, it's not like my mom likes hundreds of miles away and I can save any stressful interactions for annual visits. No. My mom lives a TOWN away. And she takes care of Vivi four days a week. So I see her basically every day. And every day I'm faced with the reality of her dislike for my husband.

It's gotten to the point where she doesn't want to hear about anything going on with him. She doesn't even want to validate that he exists. She even told me a few months back that she is only going to think of me and my kids, but that he's out of the picture for her.

Now, lemme bring you back. Hubby and I had a rough year in 2006. I think this often happens for people when they have young children. There's money, communication, jobs... Life is absolutely crazy. Throw in raising children, disciplining, being on the same page, having an infant, etc-- anyway, Aar and I had a lot going on-- and we worked through a lot. I know what you're thinking, 'You told your mom and she took your side and now she's still mad at him...' or something to that effect. Nope. Not one word. In fact, I spoke highly of him, even through all of it. But she's got something in her head that just lashes out at him.

Instead, she should realize that I want her support, not her judgment. And when she judges him and disses him, she's dissing me. Am I off here? Has anyone out there in blog-world experienced this and lived through it to tell the tale??

2007-02-26T13:10:00.000-06:00

I mean, come on. Are these kids cute or what?! I had last week off and am having a tough time coming back to work and leaving them to be raised by others. I know it takes a village... but sometimes guilt gets the best of me. Today is one of those days. If I were an alien coming to earth, I would think it's weird that we have all these kids and then all these hundreds of daycares started to raise them. What?! I mean, it's bizarre. Part of me wishes back to the days of raising kids in community (I guess we kind of are...). I don't know. I could talk and think and philosophize on that all day, probably.

I feel better about the whole "evaluation" thing. Thank you Cate and Conor-- it did help. I know it's all good. I'm glad I'm doing what I'm doing.

I'm feeling weepy today, so I guess I'll keep it short. O-Bird is going to a speech therapist next week. I'm also setting him up to see an OT... thinking there might be some sensory stuff going on (everybody's got some kind of sensory stuff these days it seems like). Could be tied to his inability to use the potty, to his jamming things into his mouth, etc. It's actually really fascinating and I feel oddly lucky to be exposed to all this information. I know he's going to be fine. I'll be fine, too!

It's sparked the creativity bug in me. There are all those crazy 'zines out there... two of my favorites are Hausfrau and Hinky... so I've decided to put together my own. It's completely all for my own sanity, I'm realizing. There is some funny funny shit that happens to you once you are a parent. How do I feel in my mamahood these days? I'm embracing it. I'm loving it. I'm freaking out.

the evaluation

2007-02-13T11:56:00.000-06:00

I was just reading an old post that I wrote two years ago about Owen. At that time, he was with a different day care provider who I felt was always jumping on my case around my parenting habits. But something in that post was haunting me... and lo and behold... When Owen was 14 months old, this woman told me she thought I should have him "evaluated".

I completely brushed her off. I mean, come on. I figured that she only had girls and didn't know what she was talking about. Slow to talk? Isn't that the deal with all little boys?

So last Thursday my NEW day care provider, who I love, who O-Bird has been with since 18 months.... she pulls me aside and says, "Maybe you should think about having Owen evaluated..." She went on to talk about his speech patterns and about the fact that she thinks he'd get along better with the other children if he could effectively communicate. And he cannot.

First thoughts: He's slow. I knew it. He doesn't have any friends. He's never going to have any friends. But I can understand what he says. Why can't other people? Does she know what she's talking about? Is he just mean to the other kids? Is he pushing them? Have I failed him?

She assured me that he isn't mean spirited and that he really just seems to have a hard time communicating. "He is delayed," she said. So now I'm thinking, did I drink when breastfeeding? Is this my fault? Does he have defective genes?

But more, I'm brought back to the woman who talked to me two years ago and her request for him to be evaluated. Was this my first big, huge parenting 101 mistake?? Have I cost him years of important "work" with an OT, PT, Language Pathology? I don't even know what "language pathology" is! I'm an unfit parent! AUGH!!!

bummed

2007-01-24T07:27:00.000-06:00

I just opened up my morning email, and there, staring me in the face is an invitation.
A birthday party for my brother. It's a save-the-date. Real invitations to follow. My sister is hosting it.
Why am I bummed?
My birthday was last month. I didn't so much as get a card.

easing back in....

2007-01-23T08:06:00.000-06:00

Okay, so I've been gone a long time. I am committed, however, to get back to my blogging lifestyle. I've been putting it off and putting it off because it has felt too big:
"How will I possibly fill all of my readers in on all the time that's passed?"
"I don't even have any new photos of Baby Girl!"
It's embarrassing, yes, but I'm sucking it up.
So here we go, I'm starting with some quotes that are helping me get through my job, my mamahood, and all that lies in between:

What you are striving to become is what, by nature, you already are.
Strive to live the ordinary life in a non-ordinary way.
Rectification must come before progress. The field is tilled before the seed is planted.

Phew. I feel better.

baby got back

2006-11-06T14:55:00.000-06:00

I'm back.
I still have a big booty.
But I've got a baby to show for it.
Baby Vivi was born on August 20th at 11:34 p.m. SHe is fabulous.
More current pics, full birth story, and other ramblings tomorrow...

11 days??

2006-08-07T11:42:00.000-05:00

I'm about ready to pop... and I'm feeling a little bit apathetic. Maybe "apathetic" is the wrong word. I'm feeling... torn.

In the mornings, when I feel rested and realize I have to come back in to work... I want this baby out. I think about how wonderful it will be to know her/him, how I want my body back, how I want to be heartburn free... And then, by about 9pm, all I want is another night's sleep without hourly awakenings; I want more time with my two special boys (hubby and O-Bird); I want my little bean to stay inside as long as s/he needs.

So I'm torn.

I know that my body is made to have babies. I know that my body knows what to do and how to birth this child. And I also know what childbirth is like (or, what it was like the first time), and I'm a little bit scared. Scared of the pain, of course, but also of the after-affects of having a new person in your life. A new person who completely and utterly needs you in every way.

My lilypie tracker says 11 more days. Will I be less torn in 11 days?

You know it!

2006-07-26T08:36:00.000-05:00

Eh? This is my 36 1/2 week belly casting photo. My sister, sis-in-law, mom, and favorite aunt surprised me over the weekend with a special "girls only" morning. All the boys (kids and daddies) went about doing other things, while the women surprised me with a fabulous brunch and belly casting session. It was so much fun and exactly what I needed! Notice the seran wrap? I am totally sexy.

Had a really nice visit with the McGowans at the end of last week. I am always a little anxious when seeing people of long ago. My life is so crazy and often feels out of control... it was actually grounding to spend time with folks who were on my same page with life. It was good.

Went to the midwives yesterday and they checked me out. I'm 2cm dilated and 50% effaced. I know this means nothing, really, but I was excited because it really is true that the end is near! I am officially ready for this to happen and to meet my baby. I can't believe we'll be a family of four in less than a month. Yowza. Wish me luck.

36 week musings

2006-07-20T13:10:00.000-05:00

Now that I am nearing the end- on the home stretch- I am having a hard time concentrating on anything else. And I'm giving myself complete permission to do this because I think I have the right. I have been for the most part, jolly, social, and decidedly not completely me-focused for the last 36 weeks... So the few days and weeks that I have left? It's all about me, baby.

So I went out and got accessories for my pump. I am getting my labor bag ready (with snacks and music and gum and all that good stuff). I'm taking baths. I'm having lots of sex (thank you, CNN). I'm talking about baby, baby, baby and how our lives are going to change and how that feels. I'm happy and sad and excited and nervous. We've been going to our birthing class and I'm getting backrubs (and asking for more). But you know what else? I got a hemorrhoid. Never in my life have I experienced this sort of beast and I don't wish it on anyone. What's worse? I'm talking about it, for godssake.

Emotionally, the old-- what am I doing with my life?-- is coming to the fore once again (like it does every 6 weeks or so). I'm wanting to have more women in my life, more friendships, more me time, more creativity, more positive energy. I have a really good job and yet I'm always feeling like it isn't enough... like it isn't it. And I'm not sure I will ever find "it" or even come close to what "it" represents. All I know is, my work doesn't make my soul sing. It's not an accurate expressionn of my true self. But what is??

Acid Reflux Blues

2006-07-12T09:30:00.000-05:00

Please go away, acid reflux!
Spite thee, almighty spiter!

angry pregnant lady

2006-07-10T09:19:00.000-05:00

not a lot to report really.

according to the lilypie tracker, I only have 39 days to go until i'm 40 weeks pregnant (and therefore, until suspected delivery day)... but did i mention that the O-Bird was born at 37 weeks?! that's 2 1/2 weeks away. We're talking, like, seventeen days from now.

i have a lot to do in terms of making sure things are "ready" for me to not be at work anymore. i know that everyone will survive and it won't be that big a deal, but it is quite anxiety provoking... and i'm also feeling a bit apathetic, which certainly doesn't help in getting the job done.

physically, i'm starting to have pain. my body is stretching and my pelvic muscles are sore. i go to the chiropractor for the first time tonight, and i'm a little nervous. i've never been to one. apparently it's supposed to ease birth-- realigning the pelvis and all that. i'll let you know. i am also starting to waddle like a pregnant woman, peeing all night long, and i'm an emotional train wreck. i unleashed angry pregnant lady on poor husband this weekend and i'm still feeling a little out of sorts because of it. but you know what? i don't really feel bad, exactly. it's not like he's the one carrying around 25 extra pounds during a heatwave with no air conditioning, only to experience hours of painstaking labor.... phew! see that? angry pregnant lady can't be stopped.

2006-06-29T07:52:00.000-05:00

Husband and I decided to take another Childbirth Education class this time around. Turns out we were both feeling pretty unprepared and freaked out about the impending birth. "What if I've forgotten everything?" he asked me this weekend. What if I have too? So we signed up and we're ready to go. That makes things feel better. We also put a bassinet next to our bed and got the infant car seat back from my sister. With a few diapers in hand, we'll have all that we need for the start of this crazy new life.

Owen has moved into a "big boy bed" and the transition was painless. He looks so old in there. I definitely do much more checking in on him than I used to. I just like to watch him sleep. While I am psyched to have another baby, I am also kind-of mourning the loss of our special triad (me, Hubby, and the O-Bird)... It's sad for me to think that Owen will never remember a time when he was our only child. I worry that he will hate me for bringing another child into the family. I worry that I won't be able to give him as much (time, energy, love) as I've been able to with him as the one and only. Logically, I know that it works and that I can do it and all that... But I still have these nagging feelings of... loss, I guess.

Not Much to Say

2006-06-20T11:30:00.000-05:00

... Except that I could have this baby in as few as 6 weeks from now. That is absolutely petrifying to me. What would I do if I didn't have to worry about money and health insurance? I would sew clothes and bags, I would travel to distant lands, I would paint, write, sculpt; I would run around with my kids all day.

I had a great talk with M last night about that and she was talking about figuring out how to do that. And the lightening rod hit me. "I don't have to figure it out, I just have to do it." And I know that I'm not yet ready for that huge leap of faith. But at least I've named it. I know what I have to do.

The trick is really making the leap and trusting that the net will appear.

are you from my planet?

2006-06-13T11:35:00.000-05:00

I like to think that I am an honest person. I like to think that I tell people what I really think and don't hold back my opinions at all. I am realizing the last couple of weeks that I am a complete poser and a liar to boot. I often hold back, especially when talking with people about really personal stuff. Why do I do this? In a nutshell, I fear judgment. I don't want to feel like a failure/loser/bad-choice-maker. This realization has been liberating as well as enlightening. For one thing, being a liar can be really helpful in some situations. There are some people that you need to lie to. These are the people who don't really care how you are doing when they ask "How are you?" These are the people who are unable (or unwilling) to give support to you in your decisions (good or bad). These are people who may be "wet blankets" and actually want to see you fail just so they'll feel that much better about what's going on in their own lives. These are also people who just aren't from the same planet... they mean no harm, but they really just don't get it.

The secret is finding out who those people are before you go and blab your innermost secrets, only to be squashed like a bug and to run hiding under the covers. You find them and you lie, lie, lie.

My "problem" for years and years was that I just assumed that everyone was a little bit like that (except Hubby, which was a huge part of why I married him).

So part of my realization over the last couple of weeks has been that there are others who get it too! I had a great talk with one of those people yesterday and it felt so awesome to just let myself go without being afraid of retribution, judgment, or any other icky baggage stuff. Some of the things that are flying out of my heart are things like:

1. I want to have more children (more than 2)
2. I don't want to work full-time (gasp!)
3. I want to (at some point) start my own business
4. I want to move to the country
5. I want to go back to school for design

...Most of these things are literally things that I never left any room in my life for. I just didn't see them as real possibilities or as practical or whatever. So anyway. I'm making room for all of these forbidden dreams. That feels really good.

2006-05-25T13:55:00.000-05:00

I have had a few experiences in the last couple of years that made me really feel like a parent: throwing a child's birthday party, being called "Mommy", using a time out. I had one yesterday.

Owen bolted from the yard and ran down the sidewalk and out into the street! I about lost my shit. I totally kept it cool outside and firmly grabbed him (while a car stopped and waited) and brought him inside. And then? I absolutely freaked out. I was sobbing. Over and over in my mind I just kept thinking, "What if I had lost him? What if that car didn't stop? What if... What if..." I was too slow. I couldn't get there in time-- he made it into the street. I can feel my pulse increasing even as I relay the story.

The real question here is: Does that make me a bad mother?

talk talk talk. blah blah blah.

2006-05-24T14:45:00.000-05:00

Aaron and I had a really good and open conversation last night about... what else? Money. It is so true that money and financial stuff has become a very important part of our daily lives and chats. That's hard for me to deal with in a lot of ways... I have always been the kind of person who said "Money doesn't matter. Who needs money" etc. And now I am realizing that it is a part of my life and something that I think about more often than I'd like to.

After doing some number crunching the other night (or half doing it, because I got sort of depressed), we realized that if we have two kids in daycare next year at this time, we will be spending nearly $1500 a month in childcare alone. That's more than our mortgage and equity line together. This is a bit disturbing.

It calls into question: who is the number one earner in the family? At the moment, that's me. But Aaron has a higher earning potential unless I get another degree. However, if you include the benefits in my "earning amount", then I tip the scales. So the question becomes-- in a year, Aaron either has to make gobs more money, or one of us has to stay home (probably me) and the other (probably him) needs to work somewhere that will provide benefits (i.e. not on his own). These are hefty pills to swallow.

That's all I really have to say. Just an ever-present weighing on my mind.

Hormonal Mama

2006-05-18T10:35:00.000-05:00

I totally just cried at my desk while watching this.
Thanks to CM for showing it to me.

crabby

2006-05-11T12:29:00.000-05:00

i am so crabby right now.
i feel like everyone at work wants a piece of me. i just want them all to suck it up and figure it out. like i do ALL DAY LONG.

why is everyone so goddamn needy???

Dream Lives

2006-05-09T07:59:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I think that our dreams are still a part of reality. Like, that they still "happen." And I feel this way about our aspirations-- or, those things that we say "What If" about-- that those are still a part of who we are. I've been doing a lot of "what if"s lately-- what if I didn't go to Scotland my junior year, what if I wasn't with my grandmother when she died, what if I'd never worked at the art store...

Anyway, here are some of my alternate lives:

potter
neuro-surgeon
stripper
monk
professor
photojournalist
fashion designer
supermodel
novelist
shaman
HIV diva
pilot
farmer
park ranger
EMT
tugboat captain

... Just to name a few.

Dream Interpreter

2006-05-09T07:54:00.000-05:00

Woo Hoo! Cate and Conor are coming to Maine!!
I am so happy and excited-- it's been a long time since I've seen them and it'll be really nice to catch up. Plus, I can't wait to see that pregnant belly.

Work has been crazy for me and I haven't really had the time to be thinking about other things- like my other dream lives. I will list them later.

Speaking of dreams, though, and maybe this is pregg0-related, I don't know, but I've been having the most vivid dreams lately. And they aren't all pretty and pink. I had a dream the other night about the apocolypse-- all this steel gray water was rising. The night before I dreamed about an old lover. The thing about these dreams is that they are all hinting at the big life questions: what's the point? Where do you find happiness? What do you do with yourself when you know that you don't have another day to live?

Maybe that's why it's all coming up. Because when I feel busy, I feel like I'm missing something. Like I'm not taking the time to live it, because I'm getting through it. Does that make sense?

Basically, my body is messing with me.

pity party

2006-05-02T07:50:00.000-05:00

Let me just stand up on my pity podium for a second.

I'm going to crab now about something that I made a new years resolution about. Way back in January, I said that I was going to try to re-connect with some folks from the past. Interestingly enough, some of those people have contacted me. I have, in turn, made every effort to write and email and stay connected. (No calls. I don't do phones well.). And, frankly, I'm feeling dissed and dismissed. I don't know if it's because everyone else out there is busier than me or what. A big part of me starts the self-deprecating thoughts that perhaps I'm not all that great a friend and that it's easy for people to write me off a little bit. Wah, wah. Boo hoo, right? Okay, I'm done with that.

Now I'll get to my parenting 101 dilemma of the week:
1. Owen's hitting
2. Owen's bed thrashing

Let me discuss. Owen will be 3 in August. He's a big guy and has not mastered the art of language at this point. He can talk-- and mostly in sentences-- but his words are most certainly not as quick as his emotions. So he has resorted to hitting. Not closed fisted punches, mind you... but slaps. "No!" Slap!

I used to think that kids that hit/bit came from overly aggressive homes (where parents hit or fought or something). Now I'm embarassed because we don't have an aggressive household at all!

Everything that I've tried: timeouts, alternatives ("We stomp our feet when we're frustrated"), lost privileges-- nothing works. I'm at a loss. My mom, helpful as she is, keeps reminding me that I was a biter. And so she bit me back and I never did it again. Unfortunately, number one, I'm not that violent. And number two, I don't want DHS on my ass.

The second troubling update is that Owen is a bed thrasher. He definitely gets this from me-- flipping around in bed, thrusting himself against the headboard, etc. He's still in a crib. I worry about transferring him to a bed because he's TOTALLY going to fall out. ALL THE TIME. And that's a bummer. It also makes a kid afraid to go to bed (at least, it did for me). Additionally, I think he likes it. What I mean is that I think he likes the feeling of his body slamming the boards like that. The reason? Because even when he's awake, he'll slam his feet against the backboard and rattle the crib like a cage. (Thankfully, no head banging. Knock on wood.)

So not only is he keeping me awake all night with his thrashing (and maybe baby, too, once baby comes out!), he's destroying his crib. Plus he's hitting when he gets pissed off.

Any child development experts out there?

Flashback

2006-05-01T09:59:00.000-05:00

this weekend was like a horrible nightmare flashback to first trimester pains. i had some horrible bug that made me vomit and rage with diarrhea mercilessly. i'm not going to get into it. it was bad.

the wonderful thing about this experience, though, was how my husband dealt with it. he completely took over. he took care of owen the entire time. and you know what-- they both loved it. they had so much fun together. it really made my spirits soar and to see them enjoying each other's company was just awesome. made me feel like once we have another child in this house, aaron will really step up and take o-bird under his wing while i tend to baby. it was a huge relief. albeit, in between wretching trips to the bathroom.

my body is still feeling a bit tender this morning, so bear with me... but i think i may just take a class this summer. i know, i know. but i really want to take "anatomy & physiology" since i never did. i think i would like it. and again, why not? might as well feed the nurse thing if it's got me interested at the moment. it just seems that all the hiv divas out there (not that they are hiv+, but they are divas in the field) are RNs... often combined with an MPH (masters in public health). both sound good to me. both have been on the short list before. i even took an MPH class last fall... so, yeah. there i am. i'm doing it.

Belly at 21 weeks

2006-04-27T14:13:00.000-05:00

This was me almost 3 weeks ago. Hard to believe that this baby is growing like gangbusters. I still have a long way to go. Today I feel swollen and tired. I have no interest in walking or moving in any way. It's starting to get warm and I'm showing my oddly colored body in all it's glory (sleeveless shirt and all!). When I say "oddly colored" i'm refering to the weird pigment changes in my skin. Normally kind-of a yellow person, I've become more brown and pink.

I feel like the fat kid in gym class.

Had a good time with my friend Meadow yesterday. She's contemplating having baby number two... and thinking about all of those things that occupy my every thought-- daycare, health insurance, money, crazy-zoo-like homefront. It was good to get some of that stuff out there and to remind myself that it's okay not to know what the hell I'm doing.

Speaking of that- for the first time in months, I started looking at going back to school. When in god's name am I going to do such a thing? I don't know. But it's all about re-investigating myself. All that pregnancy inwardness crap. I love it.

Who's Cute??

2006-04-25T15:03:00.000-05:00

He is so damn cute. I love this guy... my little O-bird.

the week in review

2006-04-21T14:26:00.000-05:00

so at last the week is coming to a close. let's review, shall we?

1. sunday = easter.
i have "issues" with the resurrection, so it's not a top holiday on my list to begin with. we always have easter with aaron's senile grandparents, who i love. but they live 1 1/2 hours away and owen is not exactly a car-guy. the house is full of breakable china things and i spent the whole time outside, trying to keep owen from being killed by cars speeding by. he didn't have lunch with us, barely napped, and screamed most of the way home, while his hung over auntie, who was also in the car, desperately tried to "reason" with him. i came home in tears and sobbed about "why do i hate holidays so much?" and went to bed with puffy eyeballs.

2. monday = foolish holiday.
in new england, monday is patriot's day and is supposed to reflect the beginning of our fight for independence. it's a bunch of bullshit.
i got roped into taking care of my nephews who are mercilessly mean to owen.

3. tuesday = back to work.
came back to a shitstorm at work where there is drama around every bend due to the ever-changing environment of residential care. my new nurse is rubbing folks the wrong way. so i am playing diplomat. (it's okay to laugh)

4. wednesday
i cried essentially all day on wednesday. i had a doctor's appointment and my midwife asked how i was doing "emotionally." needless to say, i lost it and went into a litany of all of my worries and concerns. it also became exceedingly clear that i am feeling too much pressure as the boss, super-mom, do-it-all woman that i have been for the last few years. then i visited with my sister in law, continued to cry the afternoon away and finally lost my wallet that night. once i came home, i cried again to aaron and told him that i hated to nag but that i needed him to start making money or being home, because without his support in either area, it meant that i needed to make all the money, bring home benefits, take care of owen in every moment of free time. since he's working so hard to make money, he's never around. and he's not making any money.

5. thursday
woke up feeling like total shit due to all of the tears shed the days before. had an incredibly long day at work and learned that owen STILL has an ear infection. aaron offered to bring him to the doctor, get the meds, etc. it's the first time he's ever done that. i spent the evening talking to the baby in my belly and assuring him/her that all of the tears are about life things and not baby. then spent the rest of the night repeating the mantra "keep perspective."

6. friday
so far so good. i haven't cried today. the sun is out. work is do-able, even though i have to give hard feedback to some staff. tuna is with me in my office and owen is napping at my mom's. my fabulous mom who said that she will take care of newborn baby after my maternity leave, while i work.

money is the root of all evil

2006-04-19T07:32:00.000-05:00

i've been having a really emotional week. i'm crying all the time. today's source of tears? money. or lack thereof.

sometimes i feel like we are foolish to live in maine. housing is so expensive relative to what people make. everything is expensive. on the other hand-- it's the most beautiful, friendly, and wonderful place to live. our whole family lives here. we have great work and friends. but we aren't making ends meet. we're always skipping one bill to pay another. what on earth am i going to do when we have another baby in the mix?

Freak Out

2006-04-12T07:34:00.000-05:00

I'm starting to freak out about childcare for this little bambino. Here's why: Last time around, my mom lived two streets away (when I had Owen). After my maternity leave, she took care of him every day while I was at work. She brought him in to nurse, we had lunch together, etc etc. She did that until he was a full year old. Not only was it incredibly money saving... it was just wonderful to know that someone who loves him as much as I do was spending the day with him.

This time around, my mom's not so sure she's going to sign on for the task. She lives 30 minutes away now. She's started working again... and likes it.

So now I feel a little bit back to the drawing board and the guilt of being a working mom sets in once again. It's like a roller-coaster... and right now, it bothers me a little bit. There are a lot of factors. For Aaron and I, the big one is Benefits with a capital B. I make the benefits. Since Aaron is self-employed, he has not reached the "perk"-status of being so. It means that he has irregular paychecks and no insurance. That's where I come in. I have a check we can count on and all the doctors/dentists visits we could ever hope for.

Some would say-- well then, why doesn't he stay home?-- Staying home is HARD WORK. I don't think my mental status would serve anyone well to stay home full time. But working 3 days a week would be perfect. For me. For Aaron, however, it would drive him to drink. He loves Owen, don't get me wrong. He loves babies. But... It would be a real struggle.

So here I sit, wondering if I can try to fenagle some "work-from-home" scheduling out. I fear because my predecessor really stuck it to him last time around, it'll be deja-vu for my boss and he'll run away in fear. I'm nervous about that, too, because I really love my job. I don't want to give anything up.

Baby on the Brain

2006-04-10T07:59:00.000-05:00

I woke up this morning, and all of a sudden-- BOOM-- I'm pregnant! My belly has really popped out (37 inches) today. There is no more hiding it.

This is a relief, and will be interesting to see if it becomes a curse as well. Get used to all those foreign hands rubbing the Buddah without asking!

Now that baby is squirming around in there and grabbing at my ribs and bladder, it's hard to think of much else! But alas-- work calls. Gotta go.

Home Remedies??

2006-03-27T14:09:00.000-06:00

Any ideas out there for acid reflux/ heartburn?
I am in pain over here.

It's A....

2006-03-27T07:40:00.000-06:00

... Indeterminant.

Honestly, you can't plan anything.

We had our incredibly exciting and wonderful ultrasound on Friday. It was so cool! This time around, the woman really took her time and explained all the bits and pieces. Everything lookds good- healthy, fabulous! And the little one looks like Owen from the profile view. So cute! And it was a long ultrasound-- 45 minutes at least!-- but, get this,

the stinkin' umbilical cord was right between baby's legs the ENTIRE TIME. Our kid is riding that thing like a horsey!

Needless to say, we just couldn't tell. Couldn't see whether ding-a-ling or no.

Ahh well. Yet another reminder that you just can't plan anything! I think this is the lesson I'm supposed to learn in my lifetime. No control.

Anyhoo, I will scan in the ultrasound photos in the next couple of days and put them up. Really just amazing.

2006-03-23T11:02:00.000-06:00

Woo-hoo! T-1 day left until my ultrasound.
Tomorrow morning at 7:45.
I am so excited I could burst. I hope everything is going okay in there. I don't feel as big as I did the first time around.

Aaron and I have definitely decided to find out if it's a boy or a girl. We're thinking about torturing our families though and not letting the cat out of the bag. Like all those celebrities.

Ahh... Narcissism is in the Stars

2006-03-22T10:54:00.000-06:00

Here is my horoscope for this week:

It's the Introspection Season, Capricorn. I encourage you to write copiously in a journal. Here are several themes that would be fruitful to explore: (1) Your most amazing qualities and your worst qualities. (2) The hundred things you want to accomplish in the next 30 years. (3) Your bitter complaints, horrendous pain, and lost dreams. (4) Everything you love and everything that's beautiful and everything that works. In addition to writing your heart out and your ass off, paste in cut-out pictures from magazines, draw pictures, and ask friends to write messages to you.

I love this horoscope. I want to call in sick for the rest of the week and explore the inner workings of my mind like the introverted, moody, idealistic narcissist that I am.

nostalgia

2006-03-15T14:59:00.000-06:00

Living as an adult in the town you grew up in has it's upsides and it's downsides. Today the waitress I had at lunch was someone I went to high school with. She recognized me, but couldn't recall "from where" and I spent lunch trying to figure it out. Now I remember that she's someone I smoked with on the steps... But it's all a blur. Her name isn't quite clear yet.

My ten year reunion is to be this year. I was a class officer in high school which means it's somewhat up to me to help plan the thing. Long story short: I don't want to. But I might because I'm a sucker like that.

Baby is squirming around more today. I can feel that, so that's really cool. Counting down until my ultrasound. Woo-hoo! That will be really cool. I'm bringing a video tape along. We did that with O-Bird and I still watch it sometimes. It's just so amazing that you can see in there!

Otherwise, doing better today. Actually living up to my breathing practice and not getting too stressed out about work. Although it's always there a little bit-- those knots in my shoulders-- and the big one in my stomach.

Will that hurt the baby? Am I going to have a stressed out kid???

2006-03-14T09:12:00.000-06:00

Top picture was me at 11 weeks. Bottom pic was me at 15 1/2 weeks. I'm now nearly 18 weeks and the baby in the belly is growing like mad. I'm getting bigger every day. My ultrasound is on the 24th and I am totally psyched! Since I go to midwives, I'm sure of the date of my last period, I'm under 35 years old, and I live in Maine, we don't get ultrasounds unless there's something amiss... So I've been waiting all this time. Now I am DYING to see that little squirmer!

I am like a yo-yo with this job. Each day I feel something different. One thing is for sure-- I feel spent. I am trying to zen out in each situation and to see the whole picture, breathe, etc.-- but it's hard. Really.

I saw an ad the other day for a Reporter position. So again, the writing thing comes up. Same day I see the ad, I come home and get an article in mail about and from my friend James, the writer. Bona fide writer. Are these signs?

ouch

2006-03-08T14:44:00.000-06:00

Today, my boobs hurt. They are just ouch.

Work is better than last week. It's good to be busy.

Good because I am feeling myself, in down times, feeling like maybe I should be looking around for more part-time work once I have another babe. OH NO, NOT THIS AGAIN.

But I was thinking about it in the car this morning and thinking that maybe this is the time to switch to a more writing focused career. Plus, yesterday I was talking with two other women. One is a nurse (we have plenty of those jobs around here) and the other had been a college professor, but since moving to Maine-- can't find a job.

Or maybe it's time to do school part-time. Or maybe I should just feel lucky that I even have a job. But then that makes me think, since all things are fleeting, what happens when this job isn't here anymore??

I just need to keep health insurance.

too much thinking. bye bye.

now if only

2006-03-06T14:13:00.000-06:00

If only everyone else would realize that the only thing constant is change! I am working in an atmosphere of discontent-- everyone is freaked out and no one is talking about it. So here I am, the one who hates confrontation, trying to sort it all out and get people to talk, vent, and problem solve. My good friend John asked me the other day, "But you don't hate it [job], right?" And I told him that thankfully, I don't have time to think like that. This is what it is. I'm learning from it and I'll get through it.

On a happier note, 16 1/2 weeks pregnant and feeling good. Today I had to break down and do the elastic-through-the-belt-loop trick to keep my regular pants fitting. I'm really going to have to suck it up and tell everyone that I'm pregnant. Just more fuel to add to the freaked out fire!

So babe is the size of an avocado at this point, about 4 1/2" long and 3 1/2 oz. Last time, with the O-Bird, we didn't find out if we were having a boy or a girl. This time, I am absolutely DYING to find out what we are having. I don't know why. I think I like the name Joshua for a boy. Like Joshua Tree or like my first boyfriend when I was 6. Actually, he wasn't my first boyfriend, as I was quite precocious. But I don't even remember Stephen's last name. And Timmy was just about kissing in pre-school. That totally doesn't count.

damn musings

2006-03-06T11:48:00.000-06:00

So after reading more of my Buddhist nun, I am reminded that I am never "in control" as I had hoped in my last post. There I was talking on and on about how I'm going to get back in control and things are just crazy now and all that... And now I realize, things are always crazy. Nothing ever stays the same, isn't that what makes life great?

And so it makes me happy in the moment and less freaked out about all the shit that is currently swirling around me at work.

It also brings me to the present of my pregnancy and body and being happy about the now. Things are really great with Owen and Aaron. Aaron and I are communicating more and more effectively. Things are clicking... Even though life, finances, etc continue to be stressful and hard.

But then it also calls me to the carpet. Me, who is always reassessing my life and questioning and re-questioning about what I'm meant to be doing, etc. Why be stressed when I could be throwing pots, barefoot, and living in Central America? And if the point is to connect with and be compassionate with other people in living... Then what happens when people freak you out and you would rather be alone, blogging to a world of nameless readers.

Isn't that what I'm actually doing? To avoid true connection, I am instead doing "good work" so that I can stay one step removed and still feel like I'm doing the right thing?

Ahhh... right back to not knowing what the hell I'm doing again.

morning

2006-03-01T07:09:00.000-06:00

I have just discovered that my old friend, the hot librarian, is pregnant as well! This is her first babe, and it's such exciting news... I remember so clearly all of my fears and questions while I was pregnant with Owen. This pregnancy, for me, is also obviously fantastic and wonderful, but it's also less all-consuming, because the memories of the first time around come flooding back.

So anyone out there newly pregnant, or trying to get pregnant, please ask me lots and lots of questions because my second favorite topic (to sex) is pregnancy/babies.

Speaking of, I have an appointment today and looking forward to hearing another lubb-dubb heartbeat session. It will be a happy change from the horror that was work yesterday. Yesterday was filled with a difficult conversation with a staff person. And she stormed out angrily. I'm not sure if she's quit. I don't know how to get a hold of her (she's off on vacation). It's a yuck-o feeling that I'm ready to pass.

I started reading When Things Fall Apart to help gain perspective in my current work environment. Aaron and I talked about this last night. It's not that things are "falling apart" exactly, but it's more like things are coming together, and we are in that blink period beforehand when it feels completely out of control.

astrological forecasting

2006-02-22T07:45:00.000-06:00

i admit that i am a slave to my horoscope. the one that i read weekly, comes out on Wednesday's, and is called Free Will Astrology. I love it. So this week, mine feels particularly relevant:

The language we use has a tremendous power to shape our experience. This is especially true for you right now. The words you choose to describe your feelings and adventures will tip the balance of your energy toward delight and vigor or else toward discouragement and apathy. The fewer negative perspectives you formulate, the better your health will be...

(it goes on, but I'll stop there. you get the point)

it's basically the tactic i used back in 1999 when i was dumped in a driveway in Ohio at 1am... pretend you are happy and lovely and that you don't care about the bastard-- and pretty soon, you don't. it worked then.

so now i need to act as though there is no stress in my job, life with a brood of children will be all peaches, money will happen, and i will be living an artists life by years end. fabulous. marvelous. splendid. ahhh. the excitement and intrigue! the sheer glamour of it all!! (is this working yet??)

mom's big pep talk

2006-02-17T14:21:00.000-06:00

I wrote to my friend James today and found myself relaying a story that I had filed under "no consequence" in my life.... and yet, there it reared it's ugly head. So since it's cathartic and all that, I'm going to air it again.

My mom and I went out to dinner sometime last month, just the two of us. This was her way of congratulating me on my new job, baby, etc.. We were talking about my job, and I was feeling somewhat smug- important, in charge, successful-- you know, the regular bullshit-- and she says to me, "I guess I just always thought you would be a writer." She said it like some parents say "Why don't you be a doctor like your sister?" or "You're too smart to be doing _____ (insert job here)". I was a little stunned. I shrugged my shoulders.

"Well, I guess there's still time." Deep sigh.

And my big comeback? Silence. I skittered away from the subject like a timid little mouse. Reverting to the slumped posture and bruised ego of my former 8 year old self.

When I got home, I was all pissy and thought "I am a writer. I don't have to work for some stupid paper or get published in some stupid magazine to prove it." The defenses shot up all around me. And I left it.

Until today. Because you know what, I do want to be a writer. I do want to get in some stupid magazine or something. I do want to write a novel. And so what the hell am I doing? Why do I have to constantly reassess?? What is the purpose of this life of mine? Why do I do the things I do... but more importantly, why don't I do the things I don't do?

this is helping me

2006-02-16T12:19:00.000-06:00

quite a bit, actually.
Online Bubblewrap. Can't beat that with a stick.

week from hell

2006-02-16T11:14:00.000-06:00

i'm 4 months pregnant and too stressed out at work.

this week has just been way too much for me! i've got staffing problems, to say the least. i thought things were going so well-- i found the perfect woman to take the nursing position... and i just got off the phone with her and i fear she won't accept the job. i'm in a time crunch. i have another nurse who i might have to can. i've got people unhappy and burnt out, and i'm overwhelmed and tired.

the last time i was pregnant, i was in a boring do-nothing job. i did busy-work and was completely unsatisfied, unmotivated, and so terribly bored... but i didn't take anything home with me, i didn't wake up in the middle of the night stressing... i'm not sure which situation is "easier" to be in.

i love my job. i really do. but i think i need a vacation.

Leadership

2006-02-10T07:14:00.000-06:00

I am having my first few tests as a leader in my new job. It's really exhausting. Don't I sound like a Diva? It's true though-- I'm "on" all the time-- trying to model behavior, make split second decisions, exercise my "authority"... and yet, I have no clue what I'm doing. I mean, I have a clue... But I'm interested in others' input and I'm just not always... sure. Sure that I'm right.

I'm trying to remind myself that this is one of those wonderful learning moments that come with growing up. Awww, gee whiz, Beav.

All of this pondering makes me have to poop.

aimless

2006-02-08T07:43:00.000-06:00

I'm kind of wandering aimlessly this morning. I was up late (for me) last night, and now I find myself unmotivated and ... aimless. I had a mixed bag day yesterday and I think it's taking it's toll. Reemed out by a client, given accilades by a supervisee (kissing up???), busy with work stuff, wanting to get Owen from daycare on time, having a real heart to heart with the hubby. It was such a full day. I feel like it was enough for two.

Plus-- OH MY GOD-- my oldest friend in the world (who happens to live 30 minutes away) is pregnant, too! I am so happy and excited!! About a year ago, we talked about being pregnant together. When I found out I was pregnant in December... I was so hoping that her life would prove parallel (as it often does), but didn't want to press the issue... AND YAY!! So she's just about 1 1/2 months off my due date, so we will be large n' in charge together this summer. I am so psyched! Plus, move over Brangelina Spawn... because Heather's baby is going to be GORGEOUS!

minor freak out

2006-01-26T13:01:00.000-06:00

So I'm freaking out a little bit about this whole preggo thing. Not being pregnant-- I genuinely like that. I think it's cool how your body changes and I even find the emotional outbursts a little bit enjoyable.

What I'm freaking out about is the having two actual kids, thing. Dealing with two. Not sleeping. Not losing my mind. Keeping my job. Keeping the peace. Keeping a house together (damn those dishes!).

People are not helpful. When I was in high school (and full of angst) I said that sometimes people like to see you drown, just to help wring the water from your clothes. I feel that way these days. People are saying the most HORRIBLE and probably truthful, things about what it's like to raise two kids. Basically hell on earth, no time EVER for yourself or spouse, feeling torn, neglecting someone all the time (most notably self)...

So I'm a little freaked. Get your kids to like each other. Give quality time equally. Be patient and kind. And forever understanding. Work hard at work, god forbid letting that slip. Keep it all... together.

I don't know if I can really do that.

baby beats

2006-01-25T09:18:00.000-06:00

so we went in the other day to hear the whoosh whoosh of the babe's heartbeat. It was strong and clear. I couldn't help but giggle at the sound- nothing beats that sound. It's like a "wub, wub, wub", like wings beating under water or something. It's amazing to me how it all works and how the baby forms... And all while I'm still living, eating, talking, and otherwise going about my business. Helps to remind and explain to me why I cry at the drop of a hat, fall asleep at 7:30 p.m., and pee all night long.

Troubling Cartoons

2006-01-20T07:42:00.000-06:00

Can someone please tell me why, oh why, is Caillou bald?!?! I've been trying to figure this out for ages. No one else in the family is bald. Is he adopted? Even his 2-year-old sister has more hair than he does. It's perplexing. Is he sick? Is his hair just really really thin and wispy?

beans make me cry

2006-01-18T07:12:00.000-06:00

Honestly. I cried the other night because I couldn't get the beans to soften. Apparently I didn't boil for long enough or simmer at the appropriate temperature... In fact, I didn't really even know what "simmer" meant until Aaron explained it to me. I'm no Martha Stewart.

So this pregnancy hormonal thing is ridiculous! I mean, crying about beans? Seriously.

can i handle

2006-01-11T08:42:00.000-06:00

...another baby? I mean, seriously. Owen and I "had words" this morning... Which is difficult, seeing as he can not yet speak in complete sentences. Aar and I are definitely IN for it. And also, how on earth do you get your kids to like each other?? My friend AJ is one of 8 kids, and she is like a pea in a pod with her sibs. My brother and sister and I are... fine... but we aren't the best of friends. Half the time my brother doesn't even say "boo" to me. How do you manage that, exactly?

I can't possibly be a good role model, here.

Help, parenting "experts".

Stress

2006-01-09T18:50:00.000-06:00

People say that there is good stress and bad stress, but that it's all stress. I'm not sure that I would ever classify stress as good. Even if it results from "good" things (like a wedding day or upcoming birth of a child or something), stress still sucks. I hate it.

I am currently stressed about... of all things... work. I hate being stressed about work almost as much as I hate being stressed about money. Work is really pretty good for me. I am still getting used to my new job, being the big boss lady. Pissing people off with my decisions. Knockin' heads and takin' names, as I say to Aaron. It's a good job. I like the people. I like what I do. But sometimes, some of those decisions really put a knot in my stomach. And that's happening right about now, as I sit in my office, at 8 o'clock on a Monday night.

I would much rather be reading about Lindsay Lohan or TomKat. Why haven't I heard anything about them lately??? When is that girl going to pop, anyway?

2005, Looking Back

2005-12-30T08:36:00.000-06:00

An abridged list of the highlights of this past year:

I learned how to play roll the pigs.
I had my first art show.
I threw my first ever kiddie birthday party.
My sister had her first baby.
I became better friends with my mom.
I had my three year wedding anniversary.
I ran a half marathon in Disney World.
I applied to, and almost enrolled in classes at, a seminary.
My parents moved from my childhood home.
We adopted a dog, Tuna.
I started writing for a 'zine.
I got back in touch with long lost friends.
I started answering the phone.
I went to 2 civil unions.
I became a certified HIV Test Counselor.
I hugged a lot of "negative" people.
In 8 months time, I went from being a CRMA to an Office Bitch to an HR Guru to head of housing for people with HIV/AIDS in Maine. My dream job.
My friend bought a restaurant. His dream job.
I got pregnant with my second child.
I turned 28 (well... I will tomorrow, anyway).

I cried and giggled and stressed and hollered and had so much fun. And that's saying a lot about a year.

thick skins

2005-12-27T08:05:00.000-06:00

i'm learning very quickly that i will need to have a thick skin in this new job. being the boss is kind-of ostracizing. the transition has been really hard for people around here-- seeing some very loved people leave-- and they are kind-of taking it out on me. i'm being ignored in many ways. everyone goes out to lunch together and "forgets" to ask if i want anything, i'm greeted at the door with "i need a check from you". lot's of roar.

i know that i am also super emotional due to all of my hormones, and so i'm trying not to let it get to me. but it is, sort of. wah wah. pity party.

this was what i wanted. so i guess i had better just suck it up and do it right.

updates

2005-12-22T13:36:00.000-06:00

i am utterly exhausted.
and the holidays haven't even started yet.
plus i can't believe it's been about 6 months since i last posted on this. where has the narcissism gone??

much has changed since summer.
first of all-- i got my dream job, within the same agency, so now I am the head of residential services for people living with HIV/AIDS in southern maine. i've got two different facilities to run, one is a transitional house and the other is a long term assisted living facility. it's a huge job and i'm psyched. but busy and overwhelmed and still trying to get my head on straight.

secondly, our two-unit apartment is this close to being ready to rent. So that feels good and is wonderful. we are ready to get somebody in there, and maybe two somebodies, so that we can buy another place. now the debate is, do we go for more city life? or do we move up to "the county" (as we call it around here) and live off the fatta the land with 15 kids as farmhands.

and so that's the other major development: we are, infact, expecting bambino number 2! this is awesome and very exciting, but it's hard for me to be excited all the time since i feel like i'm about to vomit at every moment. i did not get physically ill when i was preggo with O-Bird, but for some reason, this one is making me nauseas, lightheaded, and leaving me with a general feeling of malaise all day long. i know it won't last forever, but i'm ready to start glowing, dammit.

today i hate my job

2005-06-28T11:49:00.000-05:00

Big Time and there it is. What are you going to do about it, right?

I'm feeling incredibly frustrated because 1. my supervisor is never around, 2. I keep getting work dumped on me, and 3. I'm not getting paid more now that I've taken on new responsibilities.

Now the fabulous thing about working in nonprofits is that they tell you that you'll be getting this and that. I've had about 13 scheduled meetings (that were then cancelled) to talk about the raise that I've been promised. But here I am, weeks later, and still no discussion. I'm impatient, it's true. But it's just this sort of brush off that makes me so pissed that I start looking at other jobs and muttering "fuck it" under my breath while searching the Help Wanted ads.

On a happier note, the other day Aaron and I came up with all sorts of lists for all the words we could think of that meant "penis", "vagina", and "bottom." It's a good game. Really.

Running for my life

2005-06-23T10:51:00.000-05:00

I think I have reverse distorted body image. I don't think I'm fat and am in reality a bean pole. On the contrary, I think I look pretty good and then I catch a glimpse in the window of a store and I'm like, "Good God! Look at that huge ass!" and lo and behold, it's mine.

So I started running again this week and it's been mostly pathetic. I can run for less than a half an hour (read about 2 miles) and then I'm completely winded, I can feel the pounds of bacon sloughing around and clinging to my very old, hidden and currently unused muscles.

Hard to believe that just six months ago I was running miles in the double digits and a 6 mile run was a short day. But now I'm parked at a desk 32 hours a week. And we have an elevator.

did i really agree to that?

2005-06-14T17:50:00.000-05:00

So I've been trying to get myself out there in my writing again. And so I told a small local paper that I would write an article about "Condo Conversions" in Maine, and more specifically in Portland... And now I am freaking out about it. I'm going to meet the editor tomorrow to "show him what I've got." And what have I got? Big fat nothing.

Shit.

good thing i don't have balls...

2005-06-13T13:45:00.000-05:00

because i would have sweat them off at this point.
it's about 95 degrees and my body is not used to it. noone is prepared for warm weather up here. it happens so rarely, that when it gets hot four days of the summer, we all just melt into worthless goo. the shops close, noone goes out of the house. just ridiculous.

figuring out my life in 200 words or less

2005-06-03T14:10:00.000-05:00

So I have made a decision. Thank you for your input, Cate and Conor, and for all the people I harassed through email and other electronic means.

I've decided to stick with the job and see where it goes. I've also decided that there's no way I'm giving up my school aspirations, so I am going to take one class while working and see how that goes. Bottom line is, I'm not willing to give up such a great job at the place where I want to work. Good jobs are way too hard to find, and exceptionally hard to find in Maine.

So that's it. Done. Now I can stress about other things, like whether or not I might be pregnant.

I know. Honestly. I'm goddamned crazy.

Owen Steps Out

2005-06-03T13:43:00.000-05:00

hmmmm? wha? what's this thingy?
where... how does this all make it happen...?

yank, yank,

oof. harumph. wheeeeeeeeeee

**zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz**

waaaaaaaa
mama mama mama mamama mommy mommy mamamammammmmaaaaaaammmmmmmaaammmie

No, not some B grade porno. That was a recreation of Owen discovering the inner workings of an electrical socket.

Advice Needed

2005-06-01T14:05:00.000-05:00

Please advise...

As I think all of you know, I have been planning to go back to school in the fall. My plan is to get my masters in religion & sexuality/reproductive health. It's a good combo of all the things that I'm interested in, and keeps me connected to the HIV/AIDS stuff, women's health, etc.. I'm even thinking of combining it with classes at UNE's Public Health program. It's just a really nice mix.

Okay, so that was the major plan. The only question remained-- how would I do school and work? Would I work a few hours and do school full time? PT school? PT work? It was all kind of up in the air.

Meanwhile, I'm getting this offer from the E.D. to get a promotion. To do HR stuff and really do policies and head things up. She makes it sound like she's grooming me to do "big things" or something. All of this is very nice and strokes my ego and all that. So today, I talked with my E.D. about school in very hypothetical terms. I did not put a time frame on it, but I told her of my plans for a masters degree and how I felt that that would play into the organization. She basically said that if I go back to the school this fall (or earlier than next fall) then she doesn't think it (meanind working here) will be do-able. She believes that if I gave a year commitment here (until next August), doing policies and stuff (which i love, by the way), then after that, FPC could be very flexible with my going back to school.

So do I stay at FPC this year and do only part-time school?OrDo I go back to school as planned and just volunteer or something at FPC and let the job go?

Help! Help!

Starving Artist

2005-05-30T16:57:00.000-05:00

Apparently I am 100% arrogant. Check this out.

Starving Artist
You are 0% Rational, 0% Extroverted, 0% Brutal, and 100% Arrogant

You are the Starving Artist! You are more intuitive than logical, and are primarily guided by your heart and emotions. You are also very introverted and gentle. Of course, this does not mean that you do not have an ego. In fact, you are surprisingly arrogant for someone so emotional and gentle. This is why you are best described as a starving artist. You are very introspective and quite sure of yourself, as any accomplished artist is, yet your views are impractical, guided by feelings, and overly gentle. You probably find math, logic, and similar intellectual pursuits offensive to your artistic sensibilities, and you prefer the open-endedness of artistry because then you know you can never truly have a wrong answer. So really you have no reason to be arrogant, you big doofus, because the skills you value (emotion, spirit, art, etc.) in yourself are valuable only on a subjective level, meaning your arrogance is purely masturbatory. In short, your personality is defective because you are arrogant, introverted, introspective, gentle, and thoroughly irrational...posessing most of the traits needed to be a starving--and useless--artist. So get out there, write a few short stories that are allegories for the spirit, and starve!
To put it less negatively:
1. You are more INTUITIVE than rational.
2. You are more INTROVERTED than extroverted.
3. You are more GENTLE than brutal.
4. You are more ARROGANT than humble.
Compatibility:
Your exact opposite is the Capitalist Pig.
Other personalities you would probably get along with are the Haughty Intellectual, the Televangelist, and the Emo Kid.

ramblings

2005-05-23T17:54:00.000-05:00

I experienced my first giving of an HIV test today. We had a testing event in the southern portion of the state. Interesting to be on this side of it, hearing from people and how they feel about the whole thing. Only negative results today. I wonder what I will do with my first positive.

Still trying to work out the kinks of my school financial aid stuff. Slightly feeling like it's not going to happen. It seems like it's so hard to get everything today. Part of me wants to say screw it and just stay at my job, in my schedule, live day to day... But the other part of me soon rips the first part's head off. I have to make it work somehow.

Talked to my friend James from WFU the other day. We rarely talk on the phone and do nearly all of our communication via email. It was nice to talk to him. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever see people from college again. I don't think I want to do a reunion thing.... I'm not so big into large posed gatherings like that. But doing solo trips to each person is hard too... Gets harder with baby and dog in the mix. So, anyway, it was good to talk to him.

This post sucks. Talk later.

20 days later

2005-05-19T17:37:00.000-05:00

it's been nearly three weeks since my last post. i've been doing a lot of long-hand writing that's been keeping me busy and away from technology in general.

just had an incredibly annoying phone call with my mother. god, i hope i can pull it together for my own kids and not do the guilt tripping master manipulator thing. it's old. and i identify it in these talks with my mom, but it still burns me! why? when i know exactly what is going on. yet i'm still affected and get off the phone with wet eyes!

long story short-- mom takes another pot shot at a decision of mine. Namely, my choice of childcare provider for owen. i don't see mother-dearest stepping up to the plate to take care of said child. she's not offering to give me oodles of cash so that i could stay home with said child. i feel as though my hands are tied in a situation like this. i am just plain old doing the best that i can... and yet, still with the "i just can't bear to know that he's over there." i mean, honestly, it's not that bad.

pms moment

2005-04-29T11:09:00.000-05:00

i apologize for my drunken typing the other night. worse than drunk dialing, it's there in black and white.

thinking about how others are getting work burnout, and i am getting just regular old life burnout. i just feel so rushed all the time. i rush to get owen out the door in the morning, rush to work, rush home, rush to make dinner/do house & yard projects/ see people i'm "neglecting." it's just non-stop.

it's not that i don't love my job, and i love being a mom... but it's almost as though, when i'm at work, i feel guilty that i'm not home wiht owen. and when i'm at home, i feel guilty that i'm not working nights and weekends at work! there's no winning involved!!

and i come home at the end of the day, and i'm just toast. each morning, i can barely squeeze my eyes open. there's no sleeping in, no shitting in peace, no doing anything without someone pulling at me (either emotionally or literally).

it's like, some days, i just want to do everything for me and let everybody and everything else just fall by the wayside.

intoxication station

2005-04-26T20:26:00.000-05:00

sp i'm a little intoxicated at the moment.

life is good and i am soooo lucky. i want to keep doing art to keep me sane. i want to keep writing and doing the visual art. it keeps me real.

i miss you, `cate. i want to come out and see you. i'm making plans to do so, if you'll have me. just having realizations of how important it is to keep up with people who are with me as i am. you are one of those people. thank you. i can
t wait to know conor more. i am a better version of who i was 5 years ago. i think that's why it's hard for me to think about reunions and such. i'm just... different now. i'm so much more real.

sold one!

2005-04-23T18:47:00.000-05:00

so i just found out yesterday that i actually sold one of the pieces at the coffee shop. that feels really good and i'm psyched.

aaron and i have been having some really good conversations lately and i'm feeling so lucky to have him in my life. it just makes things... easier.

i talked with someone out of the blue from high school the other day and she wants to know if a 10 year reunion is being planned (i.e. by me) and i told her i wasn't sure yet. i'm not sure i want to put any effort into that. what exactly goes in to doing a reunion? will i have to sit at a table with buttons? who knew at age 17 that being a class "officer" would mean i'd have to actually care about seeing any of those people again, and actually doing the work to get them all together under one roof again?

owen is really perfecting the temper tantrum and some days i think i'll go out and buy all those books that i used to sneer at (titles like difficult children and tame that temper). but inevitably i just sneer again, and think, "isn't this supposed to be intuitive?" stay tuned because another post by o is bound to present itself in the near future.

grrr

2005-04-20T11:57:00.000-05:00

i just wrote a really nice, long post, since it's been so long since i last wrote. then i deleted it all by accident. grrr.

here are some of the highlights:
1. we adopted a cutie cutie bulldog named "tuna." she kicks all kinds of ass.
2. owen continues to have health "issues" which we believe are related to food allergies.
3. i started running again and am feeling much better.

more soon.

Plastics Bad

2005-04-15T07:36:00.000-05:00

Please read this article from the LA Times. Many of you don't yet know that I'm part of a small organization in Maine that strives to teach people about the toxic dangers in our personal environments. This covers everything from the ingredients in your household products, to the mold in our kids schools, to the pesticides you use to kill pesky bugs. We want to educate people so they can make smarter consumer decisions, because this shit totally effects your health. So read on...

buy my art? and other thoughts

2005-04-02T10:18:00.000-06:00

wow. that's all i can say to describe the way that i'm feeling.

the art is up. and it's been really well received. a few people have expressed interest in buying; i've gotten gallery contacts; one man even offered to pay a GRAND (that's $1,000!!!) for a piece! it's so hard to believe... i'm just in amazement. wow. i'm absolutely on cloud nine. i'll keep you posted as things happen.

in other news... my sister is home for the weekend, and i've just missed her so terribly. it is wonderful to see her and her new pregnant belly. so wonderful and amazing. we had some really great talks today and touched on a subject that i've been struggling with lately: i have no childhood memories. turns out, renee doesn't have any either. we talked about how the things we do "remember" don't seem to be real. it's like, we've been told the same stories over and over and have seen all the pictures, so we started constructing memories. my mom said that that's a sign of trauma. that when kids have traumatic childhoods, they block it. we laughed about how we don't remember being abused or anything like that. but it does get you thinking. what happened? what about you, out there, three readers... do you remember things from your youth? anything at all?

art is fabulous

2005-03-30T19:54:00.000-06:00

i am so incredibly excited it's ridiculous. my art show starts this friday and i just finished framing the last piece. amazing what a mat and frame will do. it looks like real art. it's very cool and i just can't get over it. tomorrow night we hang the show and then the public will see. i'll be exposed. i was so scared about that for so long, but now i just feel... ready.

other than that, things are good. i'm doing more hr stuff at work and i'm into it. i actually get my rocks off writing policies and procedures. when did i become that person? i know it's not forever and not what i want to do for the rest of my life, but it's good for now. i like setting up systems... am i the quintessential dork now? probably.

i also decided that grad school, here i come, as of the fall. that's liberating. still have to figure out the financing, but it feels much more do-able than it did at first.

owen now says "truck" whenever Aaron walks in the door, because he is fascinated by the beastly machine that Aar uses for work. so funny to see such a "boy" from such a young age. i still get him wearing rhinestone trimmed red striped jeans, though, so there's still hope for a man who's in touch with his feminine side.

sicky

2005-03-25T12:03:00.000-06:00

so i've been sick. and that sucks. now owen is sick as well. that sucks even more.

my art show at the coffee shop is in a week. i am basically a wreck about it. today i went to the frame shop i used to work at to have some mats cut. it was good because i got some positive feedback. i wish that job wasn't so mind-numbing because i liked the "working with my hands" part of it.

in other news, i'm trying to figure out my life as it will look next fall. i am going back to school, but full-time or part-time will depend on how much cash i get and whether or not the state will give O health insurance. my school doesn't offer it, aaron doesn't get it, so we're pretty much up a creek. if i work 20 hours and go to school p/t, i can still get insurance from work, although i'll probably make less than insurance actually is, which is sad and ridiculous.

toxic friends

2005-03-15T06:52:00.000-06:00

okay, so last time i tried to talk about this topic, i sounded like britney spears. i will try harder this time.

i have this friend who continually shoots me down. why do i hang out with said friend? i don't know.

everything she says, i have to remember, is about her. it is not about me. said friend is stuck, i think, and tends to... lash out, shall we say... when good things happen for me. yesterday, i came back from an interview at local school (where i applied for graduate study), and it went really well. i was pretty high on life. and i tell her about it, and WHAM-- she hits my insecurities right between the eyes, with, "Oh yeah. Apparently they say that [good things] to everyone. They really need more students, I guess." ouch. honestly. why am i still friends with this person???

Anyway, my interview was great, and at least I know I'll be going to school next fall. Woo-hoo! I am so ready to get back into the thick of it!

things percolating

2005-03-10T06:48:00.000-06:00

there are a lot of things percolating in my life right now. a lot of stuff up in the air, and all, it seems, related to "my future." the big thing, the whole deal, the... destination. i'm waiting to hear from schools. i have an interview with Bangor Theological next Monday. i also have an interview for a p/t director of religious education position at a local UU church (while i am buddhist, this might sound a little funny. but this church has no creed. it takes everyone. it takes a world religious view- they talk & accept people as they are- humanist, earth-centered, etc. Aaron calls it a "hippie church" which is absolutely right up my alley). There's also a p/t editor position opening up at the alumni office of Bates College. It's a "work at home" position (perfect!).

then of course there's the art stuff coming up. i've got the small show that i hang at the end of this month. i also found out that a woman i work on the tntp board with is a photographer and will take slides of my work FOR FREE. and i found an "in" at a local gallery. i don't know... things are just clicking for me right now.

so there's a lot of stuff out there, that i've kind of thrown myself into the wind. it's really really scary.

Owen's 15 minutes of Fame

2005-03-08T16:41:00.000-06:00

if o could talk in complete sentences, i think this would be his blog post today:

"i love to spin around. i think it's pretty fricken funny. today i was spinning around and mommy was looking at me. her mouth was wide open. i decided she approved, so i started clapping while spinning. then i fell over. that was wicked cool.

i forgot my blankie at home and nearly lost my shit. not funny at all.

peas fit up my nose really well. i think i will go by 'captain pea nose' from now on. please forward calls to my secretary.

buh-bye. love youuuuuuuuu."

oh and by the way

2005-03-07T07:15:00.000-06:00

we did get the two-unit approval!
this means we can stay in portland and have money to pay our bills.
wahoo! very excited that after two years of bullshit, this actually amounted to something.

also, saw "Joe Versus the Volcano" last night for the first time. I liked how Meg Ryan was a few different characters. I don't really like Meg Ryan, though, and she did a really bad job at doing different accents. She also looked bad as a brunette. While "Joe" was a bit entertaining, I was not as excited as I was with the film, say, "Splash."

coming out of hiding...

2005-03-06T18:52:00.000-06:00

it's been forever since i last posted. sorry cate-- miss you!

i've been doing a bunch of soul searching and reading and doing "the artists way". i've been doing these morning long-hand sessions... trying to figure out why i have no childhood memories. focusing on my artwork. focusing on me and what i want in life.

i've come to a lot of conclusions and i'm feeling really good about where i'm headed. things seem clearer. more on that later.

what i am looking for now is positive reinforcement on my art. aaron is giving me a ton. but i want it from my second circle. my 'first circle' are those people in my life who know me better than all others: they are family and tight, tight friends. the 'second circle' are those people who are close, but know me in one capacity or another... they know parts but not the whole. i am looking to those people to come and say, "hey, you are talented. i like your stuff. you are real, you are..." one of the things i'm realizing about myslef is my unending quest for approval. in short, my experience has been that once i've made a mistake/bad decision/or the "real" me has reared it's ugly head, i'm faced with disapproval which leads to abandonment. and that's the real fear. losing people.

The City: Long Story Short

2005-02-19T04:24:00.000-06:00

I have not gone into detail about the horrors of my house, and I'm not really going to do it now.
Let me just sum up:

Aaron and I bought a house in 2002 that was a mess. But... It had a two-family layout (plumbing, floor plan, electrical boxes, heating zones, etc) and we thought it would be a good income property. With the money in equity, no problem, we'll fix it up!

Weeeeelll. Not exactly. We have been trying to do this 2-family thing for the last 2+ years. We have had varying degrees of luck and help along the way. But we are really toeing the end of the line, here. Our last appeal is to the Zoning Board. We were scheduled for that meeting on Thursday night.

So after two years of waiting, endless research and money dumped into our house, nerves all a twitter... Two of their members just didn't show and we have to wait until next month. This made me feel very small and insignificant on the one hand, like we weren't worth their time, and on the other hand, it made me raging beastly mad. How dare they?!?

So I'm crabby at the beauraucracy. Will it ever end?

Weight loss

2005-02-15T07:18:00.000-06:00

I had a bit of a self-deprecating weekend. Self-loathe... you know.
So I have a new lease on life, of sorts. More exercise, fewer calories, more water.
This is going to happen.
I just have to lose the weight.

Friendster

2005-02-11T23:45:00.000-06:00

So I'm at work. It's 11:45 p.m. I'll be here until 6 tomorrow morning. It's a rough shift just because of the hours. I don't mind staying up all night... But I never really feel like I get those hours back. I little morning catnap just doesn't seem to do the trick.

I have recently discovered the beast that is "Friendster." At first I was incredibly cynical and crabby about it: "What's the point?" I asked. Yeah, networking, yeah yeah. But then I realized that it was like "Google"-ing people and then realizing how many different people you know them through. I have become a bit of an addict. But, I must say that it's worked for me. I've reconnected with a fellow Uni. of Edinburgh guy (it's been 7 years. I can't believe it's been that long), an old high school friend, and a friend I basically lost in college. Plus-- I met someone who is absolutely my long lost twin. Her son's name is Owen, she's obsessed with poop, she likes cutting paper... it's just ridiculous. So anyway, I "know" her through my friend Susan, and now my twin and I are in regular contact. Go figure.

And I got my first art show. It's starting in mid-April in a coffee shop downtown. I can't believe I had the balls to actually show my work... It's good (for many reasons), but definitely because it's given me a deadline and I can't put it on the back burner. Yay. Go me.

Toxicity in Post-Adolescence

2005-02-10T06:11:00.001-06:00

The other day I came across some angst-ridden poems that I feverishly wrote in my youth. I'm still a youth. But you know what I mean. I wrote this one line about friends/people in my life:

"[they] want me to drown
only to wring the water from my clothes"

I mean for all the pessimism that it reeks and all the adolescent-in-pain stuff aside, I still know what I meant. I was talking about those people in our lives who are a bit... Toxic. They say things, or do things, that are hurtful... And then they are there to pick up the pieces as it were. It sounds incredibly abusive, when I read over that sentence, but is it a natural tendency? To want to be "honest"/take you down a peg/be the black cloud of reason and then caretake for the person. "Yeah, you might just be a stout little freak [note the feeding off my personal insecurities]... but that's what I like about you". Compliment? Sort of. I guess.

What's bringing on the talk about "toxic friends"? Because I've been avoiding one of them these days. There are many positive things about our relationship, but others just leave me feeling a little bit vulnerable and completely hesitant to answer the phone.

So anyway, that's my little rant for the day. Does everyone have "toxic friends"? Aren't we all just a little bit toxic?

Holy shit. Do I sound like Britney Spears?

babes in bushland

2005-02-08T09:39:00.000-06:00

So I decided after my blog the other day that I don't really need to decide this very second about having another baby. And the fact is, I know that I'm going to have another baby. I think it's just all a matter of timing... The question is not "if" but "when." And the answer is: "Not right now." We'll just have to wait and see. There are so many variables- school, job options, fleeing to Canada- so we'll see and for now, I will try not to stress about it.

And Cate!-- Living on student loans is FANTASTIC!-- And makes baby-having very possible. The other great thing (if you can get health insurance through Conor) is that you can make money on the side. Take extra kids into your home, do a paper route, whatever-- it's very possible-- the insurance is really the key.

On other topics, I keep thinking about moving out of the country. In reading about Bush's proposed budget... I'm just so nervous. I shake my head, pretend I don't have a stomach ache, and think about something else. Like having a baby with dual citizenship.

Clued in to "Mommy Blogs"

2005-02-03T10:05:00.000-06:00

So I'm sure everyone on blogger.com knows about the rise of these so-called "mommy blogs" thanks to the NY Times article last week... I felt a little slow on the uptake. Now, however embarrassingly, I am hooked. These folks-- they are my homies. Honestly. Sometimes you just forget that there's a whole world out there of frazzled moms. It's all the rage these days-- just look at the success of "Desperate Housewives"-- everyone is talking about the struggles of the post-modern woman. It might be a bandwagon, but I'm on it.

I've been thinking these days about having more babies. And I'm really thinking about it. I always said I would have zillions of kids. After the birth of Owen, I wanted another, but was soon swayed by the financial implications. Aaron and I started basing our discussions of children on income (sad, but true). We figured that we could, realistically, afford two kids at this point in our lives. We're not talking any time in the next few days or anything... But "probably when O turns two" we'd start trying. The last few weeks, though, I've been really thinking about it.

Basically, I feel like, when you have one child, you can work your life around that baby. Things change, but you still have some semblance of control over things. You can still go out, have time alone, sleep, etc. You are a couple with a child. When you have more than one child in the mix... You become a family. The responsibility increases EXPONENTIALLY. There is suddenly NO time for anything that resembles your former life. It's harder to find a sitter for multiple kids, there's less time when one of them isn't awake/ grabbing at you/ or sucking on you, there's less sleep... It becomes you. You are Mom.

With just Owen, I can manage to get to the gym sometimes, Aaron and I have time together alone every once in a while... And I still feel like I'm on the verge of losing myself. I often feel lost in the shuffle. I feel I'm expected to deal with all household things AND go to work/bring home the bacon AND be primary caregiver to make sure my son has a full/healthy/fabulous upbringing and is smart/thoughtful/sensitive/kind and all that. It's pressure and already a MORE THAN FULL TIME JOB crammed into this small life.

And yet...

On the other hand, I LOVE being a mom. It's the best thing in this whole world. For all the crap that comes along with it-- It's still the best thing I have ever experienced-- miraculous and challenging and fantastic. There is nothing like having a child.

To be continued....

Day Care Provider...

2005-02-02T18:55:00.000-06:00

I almost wrote "... From Hell", but stopped short.

There are many wonderful things about the woman who takes care of Owen for the few hours each week when I am at work ("few" being 32 hours, which is really "A LOT", but not in this society). First, let me say, I am lucky to have her. She's relatively cheap, she lives up the street, and she's nearly always available. Plus she's got a degree in Early Childhood Education, plus two kids of her own, so that's supposed to mean that she knows what she's doing. Now, let me tell you that I also have some "history" with this woman. She and I both grew up in Portland, so I know her. Or... I used to know her. She can be rude (without social graces rude), harsh, and overbearing. But Owen loves her, so I do as well.

There have been a couple of instances where she "freaks out" a bit and that makes me testy. I have found that there are a few things difficult with being a parent. One of those things is that everyone feels that it is their right and responsibility to tell you how to parent your child. What you are doing wrong at every turn. "He shouldn't wet the bed at this age." "Are you going to let him climb that chair?" "Holding him by his arms will dislocate his shoulders." The reason that I don't like those comments completely has to do with me and my insecurities. I know that. It brings up the emotion in me that I'm not doing it right. That I'm failing. So now that I've qualified all my remarks:

Tonight was one of those nights that Caretaker had a minor freak out. The first was when O was about 14 months old and Caretaker noted that perhaps I ought to have him "evaluated" since he doesn't talk very much. Now... I don't claim to know everything about child development, but I'm pretty sure that boys are slower than girls in the chatty cathy department, and that you don't really need to worry about a child who is less verbal at such a young age. Especially when you take into account the fact that he repeats words after you, babbles with inflection, and gets his point across, etc-- I just see him as being a bit of an "internal processor" (like his Mama, how cute). So on this first occasion, she went on about how perhaps we could "bring in" the authorities (she suggested a speech/language pathologist, maybe some PT, some OT... you know... the usual). I brushed it off and made a little white lie about how "the doctor" said his speech development is "normal." I use this line all the time: "The doctor said that's normal." When, in fact, I don't really ask the doctor questions like that because I don't really freak out about much. Honestly, just tell people the doctor said it's okay, and they shut up.

So after a series of these minor freak-outs, the latest came tonight. Caretaker calls me (I'm at work, mind you) and says "Something's wrong with Owen!" She goes on to explain how he was zoning out this afternoon, "but not like he was tired, like something was really wrong. He was totally unresponsive." I could feel myself internalizing the deep sigh usually reserved for my mother. I blinked heavily. Oye. "Maybe you should call his doctor and see what's wrong with him. Somethings not right. I mean, he wouldn't play with the girls and he was just zoning out." I could actually feel my heart racking against the inside my chest cavity. At first I'm thinking: Maybe he's going deaf!! Maybe he's allergic to the medication and it's making him groggy! Maybe ....?!?!?

I put on my logical cap and tried to explain that he was probably just tired and sick, since he's on day 2 of medication for a yucky rash, he only took one nap today, and Caretaker had the disney channel on (who doesn't zone out when that's on?!). She wouldn't let it drop, so I "agreed" to call the doctor and I hung up the phone feeling nagged and a bit chastised about what I "should" do.

I called Aaron, hoping to muster up some support-- you know-- the whole "united front" of parenthood or something-- and he was way too calm about the whole thing. He even said he was happy that she said something. "She's just doing her job, Mae." (He calls me Mae. Long story). Grr the level-headedness. I wanted firey discussion. I wanted to go into battle! How dare she say something's wrong with my son?! How dare she insinuate that he's... That he's what? What was she insinuating? Ugh. Nothing, I suppose. So yeah, Aaron's probably right. I'm probably being a little defensive and reverting to my adolescent angst ridden reactivity.

This blogging shit is better than therapy.

Thankful.

2005-02-02T16:18:00.000-06:00

After reading C's blog today, and getting some devestating news last night about my friend, Sarah, I thought it would be a good time for some thankfulness.

I am thankful to be healthy. And that my son and husband are healthy. We have no life threatening illnesses, we are not disabled in any way, we can live our lives fully.

I am thankful for my family and friends. Although we all sometimes get frustrated, lose touch, have arguments, whatever... I have people in my life who I can count on. People who truly care about me.

I am thankful for where I live and work. Portland, Maine is possibly the most wonderful American city I have ever lived in (which is why I moved back, I suppose). The people are friendly and loyal, the coast is gorgeous, the way of life is laid-back, there's an incredible arts community and plenty of things going on. The Peabody Center does amazing things; I feel good about the work that I do and the clientele. The people I work with are fantastic, and the humor keeps me going.

I am thankful for my life. For all the times I hem and haw about finances, job searches, continuing education, kid vomit/poop/snot on my clean clothes, finding a babysitter, working late, being hung over... Today, none of that matters. I love my life. Sometimes I need to stop bitching and remember that.

Back to the Gym

2005-02-01T05:41:00.000-06:00

So after three weeks, I went back to the gym last night. It felt good. Though... I admit that I feared the treadmill, and did the bike and elliptical machine instead. I have this seed of an idea that I'm going to do a triathlon this summer. Am I crazy??!?!?

Better Now

2005-01-28T11:25:00.000-06:00

I feel much better than I did yesterday afternoon. Good conversations with good people last night. And thank you for the positive thoughts, Cate. I am so lucky to have quality friends.

Today has been going pretty well, despite lots of residents crabbing at each other. I love when I can just let things roll off me and not get fired up. I am fiery, you see. Rising Sagittarius. I have become a bit of a work-place celebrity in the last few days because they think I have ESP. I'm just a good guesser, I think, and can read people. So a couple weeks ago I noted that I thought a certain employee would be leaving the agency; he gave his notice on Wednesday. And I like to talk about people and what they want to do, how to approach new life adventures, etc-- so people are asking me "Where do you see me in 5 years?" and stuff. They are joking, but not really. It's been fun and I'm thinking of starting my own Psychic Friends network. I think I could swing a 976 number and I can have a sultry voice if I want to.

Speaking of sultry voices (not really, but I can't think of a proper segwey for my random train of thought).... I'm still waiting to hear from schools and hoping that my long-lost teachers have written nice things about me and are making me sound impressive on paper. What a funny game it all is. Some schools are rolling admission and others said they will let me know in March/April. So now I wait and see how things go. I haven't even entertained the idea of what I will do if I actually get in. Only one school is actually in Maine. The others are in Boston and Montreal. Aaron said he would be amenable to moving to Canada... And if I get into the Massachusetts schools, I will most-likely do part-time and take a bus or something. I haven't really worked any of the logistics out.

Down.

2005-01-27T14:14:00.000-06:00

I really do spent a lot of time thinking about my life, myself, where I'm going, what I'm doing... I'm actually pretty self-centered. I'm just masked in nonprofit work, so people think I must be selfless. But I'm so internal that I spend way too much time in my own head, trying to figure myself out. Today I am out of myself for a while.

Earlier I got out of that for a bit due to bad news about someone I know. A person who is sick and becoming sicker. I'm not going to get into it, because the details don't really matter. What matters is that there's absolutely nothing that I can do about it except to be here for him and his process. I know that that's a lot. It's an honor to be with someone towards the end of their life because that's when they really start reflecting. That's when poignant thoughts come from everyday conversations. It's pretty incredible and awesome... But it's also really sad. At the moment, I don't feel witty or smiley or any of those things. I feel really sad.

And then I wonder why I feel sad. It brings all the thoughts of afterlife, higher power, continuation of energies right to the forefront of my mind. But I'm actually pretty okay with all that stuff. I'm okay with my own thoughts and also with not knowing. What makes me sad is really that I won't be able to have a conversation with him like I do now. That there will be things that he won't be able to do. And what if, once I'm gone and others who know him are gone... What if he's forgotten?

The Coolest Thing Ever

2005-01-26T21:27:00.000-06:00

Is that I found a 48 oz. Mason jar that I am now drinking out of. I don't mean that I found it on the street corner or something. It was a tomato sauce jar and now it is my favorite glass. One of my idiosyncrasies: I fear plastic cups. I used to love them and bask in their color and opaque beauty, but have since learned the tragically toxic aspects of plastic, and have moved on to glass. So yay, I drink 1 1/4 of these bad boys and I've got my water for the day. If only I could get a carabeener to attach like the days of my Nalgene....

Nope.

2005-01-26T14:26:00.000-06:00

Nope, I sure didn't go to the gym last night. But I drank the water and I read and wrote and didn't eat any nasty things that I wanted to. I had a beer, but it was Miller LIGHT and that should count for something.

Nope, I decided to stay home with my husband and talk about life and cuddle in our small but warm house. Sometimes that's better than having rock hard abs. Let's face it-- I'm never going to have rock hard anything.

I am back at work, doing the 2pm to 10pm shift (which is decidedly not my favorite), and thinking about more goals for the rest of the day:

1. ~~Drink 32 oz. water.~~
2. Do strength routine (might have to draw the shades for that one!).
3. ~~Write email to someone I have neglected. (I actually called Betti this morning, so that might just count).~~
4. ~~Try not to get restless with Residents looking over my shoulder as I make dinner for them.~~
5. ~~Figure out how to cross things off of lists with blogger's editing tools.~~
6. ~~Work on Aar's book.~~

I decided to make Aaron a book for his birthday, which is coming up soon. I like making books and doing crafty things. You know how there are things about yourself that you are embarassed to admit? I have several. One of them is the fact that I love scrapbooking. Yup, laugh it up people. This book for Aar is definitely going to be cheesy, but he's cheesy and I know he's going to like it.

Back to the Gym?

2005-01-25T12:39:00.000-06:00

Well, I did well with my goals last Thursday and then came down with a horrible-flu-like thing and took a few days off from work. That was really good and helped me with re-centering.

I am really practicing being present in every moment. At work, at home, with my son, with my hubby. It's been working out for me.

And I realized that I was really doing that on my half marathon a few weeks ago; that's what made it work. I didn't have the physical pain because I was so concentrated on my every step. Just one foot, then the other. It was exhausting at first, training myself to do it, and then I realized I'd stopped thinking about it. It was just happening. I want to apply that to every aspect of my life.

It's worked so far with Resident #3, who often pushes my buttons a bit. I'm trying to really see life the way it is.

Speaking of that, I'm still thinking about Grad Schools and wondering if I will get in. I bit the bullet and just did what I felt was right in my gut-- I applied to Religious Studies programs. I said screw the practical. The fact is, I'll make more money with a masters (in anything), and if I'm pursuing what I love and what I'm drawn to-- then things will come as they will. And I'll enjoy the process.

So my title to this blog was "back to the gym" and I haven't even hit on that yet. I think I'm going to go back to the gym today. It will be my first time back since the race on the 9th. It's time.

Goals seem like a good idea

2005-01-20T09:20:00.000-06:00

My blogging friend, C, has been posting her goals everyday. She's very efficient. I'd like to be more like that. I happen to love lists and checking items off the list, and I feel as though goals will give me "purpose" to the day. After last night's entry, look at what my Daily Inspiration was for today:

Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become actions. Watch your actions, they become habits. Watch your habits, they become character. Watch your character; it becomes your destiny.

Shit.

Okay, so onto the goals~

1. Watch my "thoughts" and all that crap.
2. Drink 32 oz. water between now & 11am and another 32 oz. between 1p &5p.
3. Go to the gym.
4. Limit coffee to 3 cups.
5. Don't eat pizza, candy, or other tempting delectables.
6. Write email to someone I have neglected.
7. Approach Resident #3 with compassion.
8. Do strength routine.
9. Write.
10. Try not to get too depressed re: Inauguration Day.

I'll let you know how it goes.